Howl. Or 'What Happens When Someone with BPD and a Laptop Can't Sleep'.

Why am I ever putting this here? Cos it's the only place I can post anything at all where I know for sure someone might read it. Should I just be laughing at myself because it seems entirely sane a response when you find yourself denied hell and gien purgatory instead. You drift for ages and then it really hits you, full force, My God- EVERYONE is gone.
I've been been so bereaved, I'm knocked down from some to few to none. I must be stupid, actively trying to avoid being known or being embraced while the howling inside me never ever stops; somebody PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE talk to me, HELP. ME.
But still I care and still I become attached and still everyone I come to know and care about vanishes.
Do any of you know what its' like? I mean, nobody there in the day, nobody there at night and no chance of sleep because you're terrified beyond belief at knowing how it's all gonna end but not knowing WHAT is going to happen. You're born alone, you die alone, that's the deal and we all know it. HOW do any of you manage to get through even one fucking hour on earth without the horror of it, the transience just criplling you. This world, everything in it, everything we do and everything we build is hollow and finite and INDIFFERENT. We get, what, a few measly decades and that's IT and that's final and there's no way back and we have no possible way of knowing what happens to us when we die. How how how can I, as a conscious being, a sentient human LIFE cease to exist?? How can you SLEEP forever?? And how are we supposed to cope wheneven the best case scenarios, the rosey and ridiculous storybook fantasies are every bit as monstrous in conception?

Think about this- HELL, right? You break some ARBITRARY rules by some unseen, unknowable and entirely whimsical ultimate arbiter, you violate a code of conduct you cannot POSSIBLY be forewarned about beyond the vaguest guesswork and what happens? PAIN and misery and torture FOREVER.
Then there's the deliscious alternative, right? Be as nice as you can-- Even tho you could be the most selfless soul in history and still be playing by the wrong rulebook without ever realising because the fucking CREATOR in his infinite ambivilence, aloofness and tempramentalism might not like your orientation or the team you play for or if you eat the wrong meat on the wrong day OR of course he might change the rules completely if it suits him and you're STILL screwed and have all that damnation to look forward to, whilst some other SOB pays lip service and collects enough points to be waived through the gates by Saint Peter despite never possessing ANY magnificence or making ANY truly fine contribution of ANY kind- and then, what? Peace, harmony, contentment, reunion, angels, Eden, cherubs, blahhhh blah blah. But to what end?? For God's sake, what is the POINT of heaven?! Where does it go, what's the goal, what's the challenge? Does an eternal love-in with the creator sound REMOTELY appealing to any of you??
But we have to go somewhere, right? life is energy and energy doesn't end, it just changes form, does it not?? I can't think about this but I can't stop. A few months ago death was an abstract that I shrugged off. Now I'm so terrified of the idea I want to beat my head against the wall just to make the thoughts stop

Happy people don;t think about this stuff, I realise that. Peple with OTHER people don't consider that when they sit down to watch a favourite film it might be the LAST TIME- Jesus Christ, the actual, absolute last and final time they ever, ever do that. And if not the last then the third or the ninth or twentieth from last. Pick any number, it seems obscenely small. How can we tolerate living a life so cruel that we all KNOW there's a million and one things to see and do and experience out there that we can NEVER possibly hope to see or do or experience!! I mean its enough to make you laugh yourself sick, there's no other way to react. Life is one huge sick joke.

I miss my friends. I stare and stare at this Goddamned screen and nothing happens at all, nothing demands my attention because no one thinks I matter enough to speak to me. Even junk emails aren't personalized to me FFS.
Suzie went offline when her place was renovated, it happened in a rush so we didn't have a chance to sort out phone numbers or anything. I wrote to her and got no reply. She should have been back online again weeks ago but there's been no sign. I have no other way of getting i tough with her. I love this person dearly and I've never even seen her face-to-face.
Kay went silent weeks ago. I call and call and I get voicemail. She apparently hasn't been online at all either and I can think of only a few reason why she wouldn't call or text OR be online and none of them are good. I have no other number and no way to reach her either. She's the other reason I can't sleep cos Im worried sick about her. I think how she might be alone and scared or Jesus Christ maybe even dead and there is NOTHING I can possibly do except grieve.
Rachael, well, we had a stupid, pointless falling out a while ago and she misunderstood what I said and hurtful words were spoken and IF we'd been living in the same part of the country and actually SPEAKING to each other rather than typing and typing night after night, we could have patched things up in no time. But she hurt me and I couldn't talk to her and then I TRIED to make things better because I cannot stand to lose another person and she told me to leave her alone. God, I was So angry, I blocked her, I deleted her numbers, I erased every message she ever sent. I tried to pretend she just wasn't there, out of sight, out of mind. But Im still subscribed to her Youtube vids and she went right on posting vids about make-up like always, looking radiant as ever. She's been through more hell and more turmoil than even I can imagine and now she actually seems withint reach of "HAPPY". I think I hate her a bit for that, as I've come to hate everyone I know who finds a way to make life work for them. I can't be around happy people, I REALLY can't be around lovers. I want to kill them. No, in fact I want to pin them down and erase their memories of each other. But I can't untether myself from Rach, she told me she loved me for Gods sake. She even asked if we were soul mates, once we ever planned on living together. I was actually going to save enough money for a flight to Scotland and just take off, just completely leave everything behind without a word to anyone and go and live with her. We'd make it work, we were so well matched. Two damaged souls who found each other. Poetry. But the half of me I try so hard to ignore knew it was all so hollow and meaningless and she'd change her tune soon enough. I just couldn't resist the beautiful lie. Rachael is my religion.
I posted a comment, said she still looked beautiful and perfect and she responded!! "Thanks Thomas x"
And then...then then then then NOTHING at all! No calls, no reconcilliation, Im still blocked and can't know her mind. Does she just figure we're "OK" now but that's it, everything we meant to each other is dead and gone? Maybe it's those glowing, lovey-love messages exchanged between her and this friend (?) Natalie. They love each other, Natalie says she's beautiful, all very familiar. "Can't wait til August?" WTF? WHAT's happening in August and why why why can I NOT BE PART OF IT

Aways theres distance, whether by miles or by years or by stupid internal hierarchies. 'Friendly' in work does not mean 'Freinds' in real life, or it does just not with me beacause... Oh fuck it, Im beyond tired of agonizing over why people are so fickle and facile, Im guessing its a defense mechanism but even that seems to be giving them too much credit.

So OK wtt? you may be asking. So am I, its pretty much the only question and it's all Ive got now. Am I even gonna click the 'Post' button or am I just gonna yank the battery out of my laptop and watch the screen go black. Kill the bastard. Death is my gift hahahaha. You're more patient than me btw

Too early in the morning, June 2010.