I had a sinking feeling when I heard that the final issue of Flashpoint would be the only single-issue title released in the last week of august.
I'm used to these crossover events; I've come to expect 'bold new directions' for the major characters, costume make-over's, loudly trumpeted creative teams and being expected to purchase 20 or 30 tie-in books, lest I miss vital chunks of the story (yeah, right). And, like any DC or Marvel fan, I'm no stranger to Crisis-style plots designed to give the (supposedly) stagnant fictional universe a clean slate. This, though, is different.
Crisis on Infinite Earths was constructed with the aim of streamlining the DC mythology, crammed as it was with parallel universes, alternate timelines, multiple versions of every major character, and plenty of regrettable kitch. Readers of the 1980's, reasoned the Powers That Be, might just be put off by continuity references dating back to the war, and certainly wouldn't be as impressed by the likes of Beppo the Super-Monkey as their parents were, as kids. A scorched earth policy would eliminate these issues; one timeline, one universe, one Earth, with modernised versions of all the iconic heroes and villains, keeping what worked, binning what didn't.
The trouble was of course that the DC U was just too damn vast. The A-, B- and C-list heroes alone comprised dozens upon dozens of superheroes, each with their own backstory, supporting cast, villains, sidekicks and so on. Not every one of them had their own comic book, but the majority made regular appearances, often in several titles per month. When you factor in characters from other, defunct comics companies acquired by DC (the Charlton Comics heroes, the Captain Marvel family, et al), the volume of new ones being introduced every year, plus minor figures still being used here and there- for the sake of maintaining the ownership rights, for instance- and you're obviously facing the same problem. The universe was never going to stop expanding.
Since that time, we've had two further Crises, cake-and-eat-it plot mechanics such as Hypertime, or the revival of the multiverse (now restricted to 52 parallel worlds), and smaller event stories designed to untangle new continuity problems, as in Zero Hour, or generally give the DC catalogue a healthy shaking-up (Identity Crisis, and so on). In each case, the classic DC heritage seemed to win out, one way or the other. Fragments of deleted histories found their way back into the panels, often via revivals from high profile writers, like with Grant Morrison's brilliant take on a unified Batman mythology.
While all this was going on, Marvel came up with the Ultimates. While the regular Marvel books carried on as usual, this flashy new line showcased Spider-Man, the X-Men, et al as if brand new, with ruthlessly retooled origins and artwork. People who knew nothing about the characters could embrace these boiled-down versions, and they were a huge success from the outset. DC should have capitalised on this, and seemed to have made a half-assed attempt with the All-Star Batman and Robin/ All-Star Superman series', also very big sellers, but a long way from something like Ultimate Avengers.
In the past year, the Twilight-influenced Superman: Earth One was released, promising to be the first of several all new, youthful, continuity-free graphic novels, clearly in the Ultimate vein.
For a long time, people have been debating the releative merits of Marvel over DC and vice versa; which was the stronger company, who produced the best comics or the most iconic superheroes. In the last decade, the balance has seemed to be tipped emphatically in Marvel's favour, with one mega-budget movie adaptation after another proving to be a huge box office draw. Not so long ago, Iron Man and Thor would have been called 'obscure' by most pundits. Now everybody recognises them. Spider-Man's rogue's gallery is almost as well known as Batman's. Even our disinterested parents can now name half a dozen X-Men.
It's well established that only spectacular incompetence can produce a screen version of Batman that doesn't work, so yet more record-breaking Bat-flicks don't really impress anyone all that much. In movie terms, DC is pathetically lagging behind the competition. Constantine, The Losers and Jonah Hex are obviously no help at all. As far as many observers are concerned, the war between DC and Marvel has been decisively won. The people have chosen their victor.
The pro-Marvel argument goes something like this: Marvel is more realistic. It's characters are recognisable human beings and the stories are rooted in real world issues. It's far easier to relate to an awkward teen who lives in New York City than a demigod in Metropolis. It is this down to earth quality that readers and moviegoers find appealing, and this is what gives Marvel the edge.
Well, let's take Stan Lee. The greatest showman in comic books, Lee's gift was for dreaming up striking characters with nifty gimmicks whose modus operandi could be summed up in a sentence. With artists like Jack Kirby, Lee produced a small army of heroes and villains with trememndous visual punch. For children, the attraction was obvious. The characters were instantly and endlessly merchandisable, and as history has proven beyond doubt, ideal fodder for adaptations into other media.
Of course, a cynical person might submit that these latter attributes were the real key to the Marvel success story, and that the characters themselves were, shall we say, not quite as breathtakingly original as the Uncanny Self-Publicist liked to claim. For example, Doctor Strange and the Fantastic Four could well be seen as a Doctor Fate and Challengers of the Unknown for the 1960's. Iron Man is essentially Batman, if you replace gothic horror with sci-fi. And DC had a blind superhero, Doctor Mid-Nite, 20 years before Lee's 'groundbreaking' Daredevil. One could also point to significant antecedents for Spider-Man and the X-Men.
The point is, Stan Lee was all about the gimmick, the one-line pitch. He gave the public plenty of spectacle and bang for their buck. He'd never have considered a mere human in a costume (the non-high tech kind) with no actual superpowers, but that's exactly what Batman is. So is Green Arrow. So are most of their allies, as well as many other significant players in DC, even today.
This talk of 'realism' doesn't quite hold up. Yes, Peter Parker is just an ordinary kid... Until he gets super powers, then he becomes something totally beyond the ordinary. That's rather the point of comic books, which are, in the end, mythology. Setting your comics in NYC is all well and good, but it's still a comic book. It doesn't make much difference if Obama is President in your fictional universe instead of Lex Luthor, when said universe is populated by gods, magic, radiation that gives you superpowers, etc.
When people talk about such and such a story being 'realistic', what they're actually talking about is that 'verisimilitude' Richard Donner captured for Superman: The Movie. It is emotional realism, whereby the characters' reactions to events, however outlandish, are recognisably human and honest. Marvel fans claim this as their territory, but y'know, DC does that as well. How is Peter Parker's strugle to balance life and love with his career as a superhero really any different from that of Clark Kent?
It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters is the numbers, the millions upon millions these movies bring in. Many years ago, comic books evolved, if that's the word, from cheap, disposable entertainment for kids to collectors items. Comics fans were grown up, second generation, they became a niche market. The comic books vanished from supermarkets and newsstands, only to be found in 'specialist' shops, a situation that continues to this day. According to some reports, the monthly comic books themselves actually represent an unprofitable area for the entertainment giants that publish them, the real money being in collected edition, mass-market graphic novels and the movies, cartoons and video games based on the properties.
We're now at the point where public awareness of comics and superheroes is at an all-time high, and yet we still don't see the comic books promoted. When Iron Man or The Dark Knight opened, there were no ads in newspapers or on the sides of buses prompting people to learn more about the characters they'd seen at the cinema by actually picking up and reading a comic book. It seems to me an extremely obvious and totally neglected area of potential revenue.
Now DC and its parent company want to be the first to step into same day digital publishing, and they want as many new people drawn to the books as possible. The upshot of which is closing the book on DC's 75 year history, all titles cancelled and relaunched at issue #1. Instead of building their own Ultimate line, DC is simply becoming Ultimate DC. It is a shameful move, one motivated entirely by greed. Stories and character building that have unfolded over years, decades, are to be swept away. Genuine icons are being broken down and rebuilt, to accomodate new audiences expected, it seems, to hold them in contempt. I notice from the Jim Lee promotional art that Wonder Woman's most recent and much-loathed costume is now the 'official' look. And oh yes, Superman's red trunks have been done away with. Because they looked so dumb, right?
How utterly pathetic. How is it the people who actually own these heroes can have so little respect for them, such lack of appreciation of the very fundamentals of this mythology?
We expect better from DC, Goddammit!
Marvel pulls shit like this all the time- and arguably betrayed their own heritage once and for all when they opted to base their new movie series on the Ultimates versions of the characters- Marvel fans are used to it.
I never, ever expected DC to pull a Heroes Reborn on us.
I love DC Comics. I love the universe, the characters, the legacy. I love that when you read Superman or Batman, you're reading popular fiction that has been in continuous publication since the end of the Depression, weathering every storm, every war, surviving every shift in politics and fashion, and always remaining relevent, popular and able to ignite the imagination. Superhero mythology is like nothing else, and DC is its ancestral home. I am one of countless individuals whose lives have been touched by it in some way, and am among legions of passionate, devoted followers who look forward to new stories every month, year after year.
As of September 2011, all those feelings and memories we have invested in these stories are effectively null and void. I am a fanboy, and this breaks my heart.
R.I.P DC.
Tuesday 31 May 2011
Tuesday 24 May 2011
SFX Insanity
My deranged attempt at composing the ultimate, issue by issue guide to SFX magazine for the history books.
"Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time".
SFX #1
June 1995
TV:
RoboCop The Series (Sky One), by Jon Abbot (B-)
The family-friendly TV adaptation of the ultra-violent movie, scripted by the same screenwriters. "Anyone dismissing RoboCop: The Series as "just a kids show" is missing out on a beetter-than-average slice of action-oriented science fiction TV."
The X-Files season 2 (Sky One), by Jon Abbot (B)
The first four stories promise a season as "extraordinary" as the first, "but if the writers start focussing on the two protagonists instead of their investigations, it risks losing what makes The X-Files such compulsive viewing" He may have had a point there.
Space Precinct (Sky One), by MJ Simpson (B)
Acknowledging it to be "hokum", Gerry Anderson's most recent series, his first live-action effort since the '70's, gets a very respectable review from MJ Simpson: "Fun, exciting, and full of potential"
BUGS (BBC 1), by MJ Simpson (C)
"The main problem seems to be that it's all just a bit too, well, bland", says MJ of the popular BBC spy series, intended as an "Avengers for the 90's".
The Month in TV:
Chiller (ITV), by MJ Simpson (B-)
Low-rated ghost story anthology series that split opinion in the SFX office (Dave slammed it on pages 7 & 8). "I personally found all five dramas to be suitably creepy"
I, Camcorder (Channel 4), by MJ Simpson (B+)
Robert Llewellyn presents a six-part series on how to make home movies more interesting. "It's worth watching even if you don't have a camcorder, too"
Johnny And The Dead (ITV), by MJ Simpson (B-)
First live-action production based on a Terry Pratchett book is enjoyable, but loses "much of the charm" of Pratchett's "use of language and witty narrative"
SF TV Top Ten number 1: BUGS
Video:
The X-Files volume 1 & 2 (15), by Stuart Campbell (B, B)
Our reviewer wasn't so much immediately wowed by the first four episodes of the TV juggernaut as guardedly impressed; "neat enough tales of the unexpected, with some great lines thrown in with the often cheesy dialogue...and just enough genuine surprises to keep you interested until the next installment."
Lois And Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman volumes 1, 2 & 3 (PG), by Gary Whitta (B, C+, C+)
The first six installments for the hit US series that transfigured the world's most famous superhero story into Moonlighting-with-spandex. "(not so much) exciting weekly superhero exploits, so much as a professional and polished, snappily-written comedy/drama with a sci-fi slant. I fear, however, that there's just enough here for real Superman fans to get their teeth into"
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (15), Frankenstein (15), Frankenstein Created Woman (15), by MJ Simpson (B+, C, B)
Three very different Frankenstein movies, starting with Kenneth Brannagh's "lambasted" version, "the most faithful adaptation to date...The best thing to do is put all previous versions out of your mind, and just accept this as a rollicking good yarn"
The second, an obscure Yorkshire TV feature, starring Robert Powell, Carrie Fisher and David Warner as the monster, "slightly shuffles the events of Shelley's tale, but keeps the characters and their motivations intact. Performances, sets and costumes are all good"
Lastly, from Hammer, Frankenstein Created Woman, a Peter Cushing-starring revenge tale about doomed lovers and soul-swapping that sounds appealing bonkers; "(there isn't) any adequate explanation of why Christina's hair changes from red to blonde during the transformation, beyond Cushing's odd comment: "As I predicted!""
Babylon 5 vols 1, 2 & 3 (PG), by Maff Evans (C-, D+, C)
Six "early episodes, before the show really got into its stride" that didn't much impress the reviewer. "The final package ends up decidedly unfulfilling...more akin to expensive Gerry Anderson than classy TNG, DS9 or The X-Files fare. Happily, it gets a lot better later on"
Well, Infection was pretty dire.
The Avengers vols 1 & 2 (PG), by Dave Golder (C+, B)
Four early, black and white episodes from the classic series, starring Honor Blackman. "It's nice to see the series in its embryonic form...All in all, a bit of a treat"
The Month in Video:
Jason and the Argonauts Laserdisc (PG), by Steve Jarratt (B+)
Limited edition package from Encore Entertainment, including restored print of the film and bonus content. "Watchable- if flawed and slightly crinkly- romp that's aged well"
Godzilla Vs Mothra (PG), by Andy Stout (C+)
1992 monster mash, co-starring Battra, "gloriously dumb as ever"
The High Crusade (15), by Matt Bielby (C-)
Bizarre, cod-Python medieval comedy. "Italians playing Glaswegian aliens? Erm, yes" Actually, I'd quite like to see this!
No Escape (18), by Matt Bielby (C)
SF prison movie, starring Ray Liotta. "The level of ambition seems horrifyingly low; the potential audience small...hopelessly average"
Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (15), by Matt Bielby (B+)
First volume of three episodes from much-maligned Series 6. "Not great Dwarf, perhaps, but still great telly"
The Shadow (12), by Dave Golder (B-)
Pulp adventure from Russell Mulcahy, with style "winning out over the rickety story"
T-Force (18), by Steve Holland (C)
"Hokum" Die Hard-esque SF action about killer androids.
Dune (15), by Dave Golder (C)
David Lynch's adaptation of the complex SF novel has "nothing good on hand to balance the
ponderous, ham-fisted mess that passes as a script"
Doctor Who: The Androids of Tara (U), by Dave Golder (B-)
Part four in The Key To Time. "Not classic Dr. Who (sic), that's for sure...but fun all the same"
Doctor Who: The Stones of Blood (U), by Dave Golder (D+)
The 100th Doctor Who story, which Dave reckons is a "desperate concoction of of lame scripting, over-the-top acting, and the worst special effects since Flash Gordon flew around in a spark-farting spaceship"
Reboot (U), by Dave Golder (B)
VHS release for the first two episodes of the world's first fully computer-animated kids' series. "Stunning effects-but well dodgy scripts"
SFX Video Chart number 1: The X-Files Box Set
Books:
Everville - Clive Barker (pb), by David Langford (C+)
Latest volume from the horrormeister. "Has this albatross of unfullfilled story hanging about it's neck. And for all Barker's skill and flashes of vision, it ultimately fails to satisfy"
Soul Music - Terry Pratchett (pb), by David Langford (B)
"Maybe not the best Discworld novel to come from Pratchett's pen, but definitely a good one"
Lethe - Tricia Sullivan (hb), by Rod Lawton (B)
"Quite an intelligent, sensitive and engrossing yarn"
The X-Files: Goblins - Charles Grant (pb), by Jim Swallow (B-)
First original novel based on the TV series. "Grant pretty much comes through with the goods"
The Star Trek The Next Generation Companion - Larry Nemecek (pb) (A-)
Expanded and updated edition. "An essential reference work"
and
Captain's Log Supplemental II - Mark A Altman & Edward Gross (pb), by MJ Simpson (D-)
Similar, unauthorised volume covering the whole Trek franchise. "Pointless"
The Month in Books:
To Build Jerusalem - John Whitbourn (pb), by David Langford (B+)
"Clever and uncosy" follow-up to A Dangerous Energy.
Star Trek: Ashes Of Eden - William Shatner with Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens (hb), by Karen Levell (B-)
First of several Kirk adventures. "Shatner's insights are the prime focus, revealing aspects of Kirk's character that would be seen as heresy if written by anyone else"
Moths To A Flame - Sarah Ash (hb), by David Langford (B)
Debut novel from Brit author. "Definitely an author to watch"
Net Trek - Kelly Maloni, Ben Greenman, Kristin Miller & Jeff Hearn (pb?), by Clive Parker (A+)
"Impeccably researched and well put-together" guide to Star Trek content on the internet.
Permutation City - Greg Egan (pb), by David Langford (B+)
Ambitious mind-bender. "Personally, I loved it"
The Making Of Tank Girl - Frank Wynne (pb?), by Paul Thomason (B+)
"Well-written" behind-the-scenes book from the editor of Deadline magazine.
Requiem - Graham Joyce (pb), by David Langford (B)
"Rich mix of danger, mysticism and exotic sleaze...A highly disturbing read"
The Coming Of Vertumnus - Ian Watson (pb), by David Langford (B-)
Story collection."Something enjoyable for everyone, and something to annoy everyone too"
North Wind - Gwyneth Jones (pb), by David Langford *8 books in one month! (A)
Sequel to White Queen. "Jones constructs splendidly complex, thoughtful, lived-in and smelly SF worlds."
The Ships Of Merior - Janny Wurts (pb), by MJ Simpson (D)
Second volume in The War(s) Of Light And Shadow series. "There is an old rule to writing fiction: when you're finished, go back and take out 50% of the adjectives. Janny Wurts has obviously misheard this as "add 50% more adjectives""
SFX SF Book Chart number 1: The X-Files: Goblins by Charles L. Grant
Comics:
The Invisibles (DC/Vertigo) Issues 1-9 - Grant Morrison (writer),
Steve Yeowell, Jill Thompson and others (art), by Stuart Campbell (A)
"Bucks you like a bad-tempered bronco as you endeavour to negotiate its fantastic, spikey, spider's-web plotlines."
Preacher (DC/Vertigo) Issues 1 & 2 - Garth Ennis (writer), Steve Dillon (art), by Matt Bielby (A-)
"If anyone writes sharper, nastier, more effectively shocking strips than Ennis I've yet to see them"
The Month in Comics:
Bob, The Galactic Bum (DC) Issues 1-4 - Alan Grant, John Wagner (writers), Carlos Ezquera (art), by Matt Bielby (B+)
"A solid and often amusing romp" co-starring Lobo
Harlan Ellison's Dream Corridor (Dark Horse) Issue 1 - Harlan Ellison and others (writers), John Byrne, Craig Elliot and others (art), by Matt Bielby (C+)
Anthology comic based on classic stories. "Too bitty and varied in content to really hold the attention"
Death Race 2020 (Roger Corman's Cosmic Comics) Issue 1 - Pat Mills, Tony Skinner (writers), Kevin O'Neill (art), by Matt Bielby (B)
Based on the cult movie. "Lots of violence, lots of good jokes- and lots of car crashes. It's a hoot"
SFX Comics Chart number 1: Batman #519 (DC)
New Media:
Bioforge (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (A-)
Offers an interactive movie experience without "contain(ing) a single frame of video"
Panzer Dragoon (Sega Saturn), by Steve Jarratt (C+)
"Involves no Panzers (tanks or otherwise) and Dragoons with only one "o"" CG animation by French artist Moebius.
The Month in Media:
Frontier: First Encounters (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (D)
"The game is horribly bugged"
Slipstream 5000 (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (B)
"The sensation of speed is phenomenal"
SFX Computer Games Chart number 1: SimCity 2000 (PC)
Models (all reviews by Mike Reccia):
6ft Enterprise-D (Hothouse Productions) (A+)
Massive, meticulously detailed model, hand-crafted to order by small, ambitious UK company. A snip at £1,499 for the complete model, or £799 for the kit. "The saucer section alone is five feet in diameter"
18 inch USS Excelsior (ERTL) (A)
"Ertl's best Trek starship kit to date"
The Month in Toys & Models:
Vinyl Bones McCoy (ERTL) (B-)
"Fairly lifelike" 12" figurine
Klaatu and Gort (Biliken) (A-)
Highly detailed model figures from The Day the Earth Stood Still. "You can even see the crease in the suit's crotch!"
Borg Ship (Bandai) (A-)
Electronic model ship from Playmates. "A cool, if a little overpriced, piece of kit that you can terrorise the cat with no end"
Tosh:
Vertigo Tarot (DC/Vertigo), by Mary Branscombe and Tanais Fox (A-)
Tarot deck, with Vertigo Comics icons such as Morpheus, John Constantine and Tim Hunter. "Beautifully presented and packaged"
The Month in Tosh: Paradise Lost In Space (radio drama, Radio 4), by MJ Simpson (B+) SF comedy, starring Tony Robinson
The Amazing Spider-Man (audio drama, BBC), by Dave Golder (C-)
"A 150-minute endurance excercise"
The Compleat Four Seasons (music, American Gramophone), by MJ Simpson (B)
Vivaldi's masterwork, with original sonnets by the composer, read by Patrick Stewart. "The poems really give the music a new lease of life"
Live!: Confabulation: The 46th British National Science Fiction Convention, by Mary Branscombe. Guest of honour Lois McMaster Bujold.
"(Bob Shaw) ...having been thrown out of the Science Fiction Writers of America for assuming that a monomolecular layer was just a very small chicken"
Plus, MJ Simpson explains it all in 'Okay, so just what is an SF convention?' sidebar.
Competitions:
Ten sets of Macross Plus volumes 1 & 2 , Complete Iain M. Banks library (13 books), 20 copies of The Making Of Tank Girl, three sets of Key To Time videos (6 volumes, The Ribos Operation signed by Mary Tamm), plus Key To Time poster, and ten copies of the new Reboot video
SFX Archive: Classic Star Trek some quite amazingly dull, pink-tinted, clapper board shots from behind-the-scenes of Errand Of Mercy, Balance of Terror and I, Mudd
Firsts and Lasts: Well, first everything, obviously, from the fonts to the short-lived running gag of Dave's housemate Rich coming home during Couch Potato and declaring "I hate (insert name of franchise/genre/characters)" and disappearing upstairs. One interesting 'Last' though, Matt mentions a regular featurette to be included in the Neutral Zone pages, "Doing It My Way...", in which readers send in pictures of themselves with friends, restaging scenes from classic SF. Knowing sci-fi fans, they probably had at least a few entries, but nothing is ever heard of this feature again. Cut for space, perhaps?
DOES NOT COMPUTE!: Amazingly few cock-ups for a first issue, although the Sliders preview does refer to "Wade Wells as Sabrina Lloyd" (other way around, guys), but that could just as easily be an error from the press release
As you can see, this was intended to be very ultimate indeed. You can also see why I stopped after one issue.
"Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time".
SFX #1
June 1995
Price: £3 of your Earth money
Cover: Lori Petty as Tank Girl
Spine line: "I had to drink a lot of beer to get the feel of Tank Girl" - Lori Petty
Staff: Editor Matt Bielby
Deputy Editor Dave Golder
Staff Writer MJ Simpson
Production Editor Dan Goodleff
Art Editor Matt Williams
SFX Beer of the month: Guiness
NEWS
Strange Tales: * 'Why is there so little SF on British TV?' ponders the continued fish-faced indifference of UK TV execs, at least at the four major channels, towards investing in new genre programming, despite the huge popularity of The X-Files, and a corresponding resurgance of interest in SF in both mainstream media and public consciousness. A "Victorian X-Files" from Carlton is mooted, and SFX begins roughly ten years of plaintive speculation regarding the possible resurrection of Doctor Who. 'SFX SAYS' recommends someone take the initiative and purchase the small screen rights to DC/Vertigo Comics' Hellblazer.
* A one-page pictoral shows stills from the imminent Judge Dredd movie, ahead of a full article in SFX #2.
* Sigourney Weaver discusses plans for the upcoming Alien 4 in a short interview.
* New Brit sci-fi action-horror flick, Proteus, starring the then semi-hot shit Craig Fairbrass, is described as an Aliens/The Thing/Die Hard/The Hidden hybrid!
* 'So who is...Larry Niven?' boxout profiles the author and his famous works.
* New TV series, Sliders soon to make it's debut on UK Sky TV
* The tempestuous production history of the ill-fated SeaQuest is reviewed ("Voyage to the bottom of the ratings!")
* Editor Matt Bielby gives the lowdown on Space Precinct, and the accompanying toy range from Vivid Imaginations.
* SFX nails it's tribbles to the wall with 'Star Trek captains compared'; all the time-honoured jokes about Shatner being bald, DS9 being boring, and so on are trotted out in one short feature. We're in safe hands!
* 'Don't quote us!' notes Kevin Costner rumoured to be playing Indiana Jones's brother in new movie sequel, plus a lavish new Sherlock Holmes flick to possibly star Alan Rickman, and US Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) movie on the cards.
* The inaugural 'Objets d'arse' covers the infamous, 18-inch Alien action figure, released in 1979 by Mattel.
* Other news: Forrest Gump trumps Star Wars as third biggest ever grossing film in the USA, audio book versions of Doctor Who novelisations to be released, Zombie God Squad (about zombie Salvation Army workers) movie cancelled following the death of star Peter Cook, Ghost In The Shell to be released in October, Manga movies to be shown in select cinemas around the UK, Superman vs. Aliens comic released, HG Wells commemerative postage stamps produced to mark centenary of The Time Machine, first issue of X-Files comic now chaging hands for £40 or more, David Duchovny's "erotic"thriller series, The Red Shoe Diaries, showing on UK satellite TV (not that that's remotely SF, but just to remind us all how insanely popular The X-Files was) ...
Production Hell: Upcoming attractions listed that eventually made it into cinemas 'on schedule' include Alien 4 ( "long-touted script for an Aliens vs Predator movie has since been superseded by a Joss Whedon story in which the Aliens (at last!) come to Earth." *Released as Alien Resurrection, set entirely in space. ) Apollo 13, Barb Wire, Batman Forever, Congo, Contact, Crash, Deep Impact ( "Prd...Stephen Spielberg. Based on Arthur C Clarke's well-known novel The Hammer of God". *The film ultimately had nothing in common with the book besides the concept of a world-threatening asteroid, although Spielberg had optioned the film rights to the book ), Dragonheart, Escape From Los Angeles (sic) ( "...it's a long way off." *Film actually came out in 1996 ), First Knight, Godzilla ( *SFX reports Jan de Bont departing the production, as his vision for the film would have cost $130 million; "TriStar wants to keep the budget to $100 million." Final film did indeed have a budget of $130 million. ), GoldenEye, Hackers ( "mostly unknown cast of teenagers" *Amongst them Angelina Jolie ), Independence Day, The Indian In The Cupboard, The Island Of Doctor Moreau ( "St Marlon Brando, Gary Oldman" *Made with Brando and Val Kilmer ), Johnny Mnemonic, Jumanji, The Killer Tongue, Lawnmower Man 2, Matilda, Men In Black, Mosquito ( "St Gunnar Hansen" ) Mortal Kombat, Net (sic) ( *Released as The Net ), The Nutty Professor ( "St Eddie Murphy, Jerry Lewis" *Made without producer Lewis )The Phantom ( "Cameron Diaz also stars" *Made without Diaz ), Species, the second Star Trek: The Next Generation movie ( "already has a tentative November 1996 release date" ), Starship Troopers, Strange Days, 12 Monkeys, Virtuosity and Waterworld ( "the most expensive film ever" ).
Ultimately 'delayed' productions listed are A.I. ( *Stanley Kubrick's long-standing pet project "been in development since '89". Finally completed by Stephen Spielberg, released 2001 ), Catwoman ( "Dir Tim Burton. Scr Dan Waters. Michelle Pfeiffer will reprise her role from Batman Returns." *Released in 2004 with none of the above involved, and no connection to any Batman production ), Fantastic Four ( "Dir Chris Columbus" *FF movie finally made in 2005, dir Tim Story ), Indiana Jones 4 ( "Should be ready for Summer '96" *Not quite. SFX would speculate on potential Indy 4 movies for the next 12 years ), The Mask 2 ( "Jim Carey...will reprise his role as Stanley Ipkiss this Summer." *Made as Son Of The Mask, 2005, with only actor Ben Stein appearing from the first film ), Matrix (sic) ( *released 1999 ), Mutant Chronicles ( "Dir Stephen Norrington" * Finally made 2008, dir Simon Hunter ), Planet Of The Apes ( "Prd Oliver Stone...To star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Perhaps." *Tim Burton film, released 2001 without Stone or Schwarzenegger ), Predator 3 ( "Fox has recently added this to its project list." *Alien vs. Predator released 2004. Predators in production, 2009 ), Spider-Man ( "Dir/Scr/Prd James Cameron...should go into pre-production in 1995 for a 1996 release." *Cameron's production ultimately shelved. Spider-Man, dir Sam Raimi, released 2002 ), Star Wars: The Clone Wars trilogy ( "The first film...provisional release date of 1998" *Star Wars Episode I, released 1999 ), Superman Reborn ( "Christopher Reeves (sic) left the project, claiming he didn't like Cary Bates' script." *Superman Lives/Reborn concept eventually abandonned. Superman Returns, dir Bryan Singer, released 2006 ), Terminator 3 ( "Dir. James Cameron. St Arnold Schwarzenegger." *Made without Cameron's involvement, 2003 ), V For Vendetta ( "Dir Brett Leonard or Kenneth Brannagh. Scr Hilary Henkin." *Final film directed by James McTeigue, scripted by the Wachowski brothers, 2005 ), Virus ( "Based on the Dark Horse comic." *Released 1999 )
Other movies listed, that remain 'trapped in Hell'; Afterlife ( *Joss Whedon screenplay "cost the studio $1.5 million" remains unproduced ), Battletech ( "Live-action SF based on the role-playing game" ), Concrete ( *Another comic character from Dark Horse "Script has been around for several years now. Should go into production in 1995." ), The Chrysalids ( "Based on the (excellent) novel by John Wyndham" ), Day Of The Triffids ( *Another Wyndham novel "gets the big budget treatment" ), The Day The Earth Caught Fire ( "Dir Jan de Bont...Remake of the 1962 Val Guest classic...Backed by 20th Century Fox, the film has a $40 million budget and should begin shooting in 1996, after de Bont's Twister." ), Dinotopia ( "Based on the best-selling picture novel by James Gurney" *A Dinotopia TV miniseries was made in 2002, followed by a full series lasting one season ), Farenheit 451 ( "A remake, but this time scripted by Ray Bradbury" ), Flash Gordon ( "David S. Goyer has already written the first draft of the script" ), Forbidden Planet ( "Dir Irwin Kershner...This remake...was due to start production in London on 31 October 1994. Date has since drifted." ), Foundation ( "David Henry Hwang's adaptation of Isaac Asimov's classic series" ), Jonny Quest ( "Due Summer 1996" ), Legacy ( "A remake of Hammer Horror's 1968 Quatermass And The Pit, and backed by MGM" ), Luke Cage ( "Dir John Singleton...Based on Marvel character, Power Man" ), Manslayer ( "Based on Jay R. Bronaninga's novel, The Black Mariah, about a female psychiatrist who mophs into a comic book character" ) Plastic Man ( "names have been suggested, including Tim Robbins, Bruce Willis and Michael Jackson" *You what?! ), The Quatermass Experiment ( "Hammer/Donner-Shuler Donner Productions" ), The Stars My Destination ( "Dir Paul Anderson...$50 million adaptation of Alfred Bester's classic novel. The flim is set to roll this year" ), Stranger In A Strange Land ( "(*adaptation of) Robert Heinlein novel has Tom Hanks in the lead role" ), The Three Stigmata Of Palmer Eldritch ( "Prd Francis Ford Coppola...Based on the novel by Phillip K. Dick...Budget may reach $30 million...Expected to shoot in the UK" ), Total Recall 2 ( "A script exists..." ).
FEATURES
'Big guns, kangaroos and Spunk beer- Tank Girl: An insider's story' (8 pages) by Garry Marshall, assistant editor of Deadline magazine.
As thorough, even-handed and satisfying a BTS article as one could hope for, with input from creators Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin. The origins of the character and her rise to fame are explained ( "It seemed the world had just been waiting for a foul-mouthed, lager-swilling, suede-headed ultra-bitch to kick it in the nuts") , as is the struggle to sell Hollywood on the movie. The film-makers certainly seem to have been committed to making something unique and 'cult-y'.
Blue Print spotlights Tank Girl's tank ( "a girl's best friend" ). Art Director Simon Murton and star Lori Petty contribute their thoughts on the genuine WW2 light tank, heavily customized to include rocket thrusters, machine guns, the rear half of a '69 Cadillac, and, of course, lawn furniture!
Editor Matt Bielby talks about the origins of SFX in the very first Neutral Zone (1 page), and fanzine writer Suzi 9mm talks Star Wars, and lusting for Han Solo, in 'SFXCELLENT!'
Dave Langford talks 'The Book on the Edge of Forever', Harlan Ellison's legendary The Last Dangerous Visions, an anthology meant to have seen print in 1972 and which remains in limbo to this day.
John Grant's 'Fantasy at 26 Frames per second' examines the decline of great fantasy literature, versus the boom in great fantasy movies. Like Last Action Hero.
'Whose Who?' by Dave Golder (9 pages), a timeline of events from Doctor Who's cancellation in 1989 onwards, is superb. Witty, comprehensive, written with a fans' passion without the opinion ever overwhelming the story, it's sets the benchmark for many SFX articles to follow.
Also includes one-page stories on glossy, fan-made video productions, The Stranger (starring Colin Baker), Shakedown (featuring the Sontarans) and Downtime (starring Nicholas Courtney, Deborah Watling and the Yeti), as well as the famous, aborted anniversary production, The Dark Dimension.
The SFX Interview: Iain M. Banks by Mary Branscombe (8 pages) is a thoroughly entertaining insight into the Culture series' frank, unpretentious author, who asserts "I regard myself very much as a science fiction writer", but will probably always be remembered first and foremost as the 'mainstream' Iain Banks. 'Iain M. Banks ON Iain M. Banks' covers the 13 SF novels Banks produced since 1984, with the authors brief, idiosyncratic remarks ("Definitely a coke addict!", he says of Complicity, 1993), and a boxout details his next two books. Reading this, one feels guilty at not having actually read any of them!
Behind the scenes at the Creature Shop (4 pages), text by MJ Simpson, includes over 30 behind-the-scenes photos and concept illustrations from the Jim Henson Creature Shop in (surprisingly) Camden, North London, with 'monsters' from The Dark Crystal to the Flinstones movie.
Couch Potato: Star Trek: Voyager sees Matt and Dave, plus friends Clare and Maff (and a cameo by Dave's flatmate, Rich) sittting down with the first six episodes of the latest Trek spin-off series, ahead of its UK television premiere. The general consensus is that the pilot, Caretaker, is excellent, but any goodwill it may have generated has completely evaporated by the fifth episode, at which point Clare and Maff makes their excuses and leave. Happily, Matt and Dave are impressed enough to give the show the benefit of the doubt.
Viewing schedule: 7pm "Caretaker", 9.09pm "Parallax", 10.01pm "Time and Again", 10.53pm "The Phage", 11.45pm "The Cloud", 12.38pm "Eye of the Needle"
Yesterday's Heroes: The Six Million Dollar Man (1973-78) by Jon Abbot, reveals that the fondly remembered action series, based on Cyborg by Martin Caidin, was "primarily conceived as a way of doing Superman on TV without resorting to rights and licensing fees", and that despite its huge popularity, lost much of its bite after the pilot movie, treading the safe, predictable waters of most family fare being made for TV in the '70's.
REVIEWS
Film:
Tank Girl (18), reviewed by Matt Bielby (C+) and Dave Golder (B-)
Two reviews, one from Tank Girl fan Matt, the other from Dave, who's never read the original comic strip. Matt is somewhat disappointed ("no 'roo shagging, for example, and Petty never gets her kit off"), but says "ultimately the film wins you over, despite whatever fears you might have about it being hopelessly bad during the first hour. (And you will think this- at times the film seems almost perversely determined to be shit, but constantly rescues itself at the last moment").
Dave, on the other hand, enjoys the picture far more than he was expecting "Sure, there's the odd stale, lagery whiff of desperation about it in places, but overall it comes up smelling of roses, albeit thorny, greefly-ravaged ones."
Both admit the film is schizophrenic and incoherent, but each finds something to enjoy.
* For the record, the film tanked (fittingly), the Tank Girl creators hated it, and it pretty much killed Deadline magazine.
The Mangler (18), reviewed by Matt Bielby (C)
Based on a Stephen King story about a giant, demonic laundry press with a tendency to mince people, this unsurprisingly turns out to be throw-away schlock, from Texas Chain Saw director Tobe Hooper. "It does the job- but only just"
Outbreak (15), reviewed by Matt Bielby (A-)
Matt was pleasantly surprised by this "pacey, efficient thriller", starring Dustin Hoffman and an all-star cast. "Not a great film, perhaps, but certainly a very good one"
Street Fighter (12), reviewed by Dave Golder (D-)
Raul Julia's last film ("but, God, what an epitaph"), this "monumentally dire" video-game adaptation co-stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue, and is "streets ahead of all contenders for the title of Worst Film Of The Year So Far"
This Month in Film:
Stargate (PG), by Matt Bielby (D-)
It seems the whole SFX team are befuddled by the huge success of a film that's, "at best, a half-baked hodge-podge of ideas based on everything from Spielberg to Lawrence Of Arabia... How has Stargate got away with it?"
Star Trek: Generations (PG), by Dave Golder (C+)
The seventh Star Trek movie offers "much to enjoy...but to get the most out of it you're really going to have to shut off the side of your brain that tries to make sense of the thing. Completely." Interview With The Vampire (18), by Dan Goodleff (B+)
"Not your typical horror film- it's an intelligent, glorious-looking, romantic arthouse movie, based on a bestseller, that just happens to be packed with big stars."
SF Movie Box Office number 1: Outbreak
NEWS
Strange Tales: * 'Why is there so little SF on British TV?' ponders the continued fish-faced indifference of UK TV execs, at least at the four major channels, towards investing in new genre programming, despite the huge popularity of The X-Files, and a corresponding resurgance of interest in SF in both mainstream media and public consciousness. A "Victorian X-Files" from Carlton is mooted, and SFX begins roughly ten years of plaintive speculation regarding the possible resurrection of Doctor Who. 'SFX SAYS' recommends someone take the initiative and purchase the small screen rights to DC/Vertigo Comics' Hellblazer.
* A one-page pictoral shows stills from the imminent Judge Dredd movie, ahead of a full article in SFX #2.
* Sigourney Weaver discusses plans for the upcoming Alien 4 in a short interview.
* New Brit sci-fi action-horror flick, Proteus, starring the then semi-hot shit Craig Fairbrass, is described as an Aliens/The Thing/Die Hard/The Hidden hybrid!
* 'So who is...Larry Niven?' boxout profiles the author and his famous works.
* New TV series, Sliders soon to make it's debut on UK Sky TV
* The tempestuous production history of the ill-fated SeaQuest is reviewed ("Voyage to the bottom of the ratings!")
* Editor Matt Bielby gives the lowdown on Space Precinct, and the accompanying toy range from Vivid Imaginations.
* SFX nails it's tribbles to the wall with 'Star Trek captains compared'; all the time-honoured jokes about Shatner being bald, DS9 being boring, and so on are trotted out in one short feature. We're in safe hands!
* 'Don't quote us!' notes Kevin Costner rumoured to be playing Indiana Jones's brother in new movie sequel, plus a lavish new Sherlock Holmes flick to possibly star Alan Rickman, and US Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) movie on the cards.
* The inaugural 'Objets d'arse' covers the infamous, 18-inch Alien action figure, released in 1979 by Mattel.
* Other news: Forrest Gump trumps Star Wars as third biggest ever grossing film in the USA, audio book versions of Doctor Who novelisations to be released, Zombie God Squad (about zombie Salvation Army workers) movie cancelled following the death of star Peter Cook, Ghost In The Shell to be released in October, Manga movies to be shown in select cinemas around the UK, Superman vs. Aliens comic released, HG Wells commemerative postage stamps produced to mark centenary of The Time Machine, first issue of X-Files comic now chaging hands for £40 or more, David Duchovny's "erotic"thriller series, The Red Shoe Diaries, showing on UK satellite TV (not that that's remotely SF, but just to remind us all how insanely popular The X-Files was) ...
Production Hell: Upcoming attractions listed that eventually made it into cinemas 'on schedule' include Alien 4 ( "long-touted script for an Aliens vs Predator movie has since been superseded by a Joss Whedon story in which the Aliens (at last!) come to Earth." *Released as Alien Resurrection, set entirely in space. ) Apollo 13, Barb Wire, Batman Forever, Congo, Contact, Crash, Deep Impact ( "Prd...Stephen Spielberg. Based on Arthur C Clarke's well-known novel The Hammer of God". *The film ultimately had nothing in common with the book besides the concept of a world-threatening asteroid, although Spielberg had optioned the film rights to the book ), Dragonheart, Escape From Los Angeles (sic) ( "...it's a long way off." *Film actually came out in 1996 ), First Knight, Godzilla ( *SFX reports Jan de Bont departing the production, as his vision for the film would have cost $130 million; "TriStar wants to keep the budget to $100 million." Final film did indeed have a budget of $130 million. ), GoldenEye, Hackers ( "mostly unknown cast of teenagers" *Amongst them Angelina Jolie ), Independence Day, The Indian In The Cupboard, The Island Of Doctor Moreau ( "St Marlon Brando, Gary Oldman" *Made with Brando and Val Kilmer ), Johnny Mnemonic, Jumanji, The Killer Tongue, Lawnmower Man 2, Matilda, Men In Black, Mosquito ( "St Gunnar Hansen" ) Mortal Kombat, Net (sic) ( *Released as The Net ), The Nutty Professor ( "St Eddie Murphy, Jerry Lewis" *Made without producer Lewis )The Phantom ( "Cameron Diaz also stars" *Made without Diaz ), Species, the second Star Trek: The Next Generation movie ( "already has a tentative November 1996 release date" ), Starship Troopers, Strange Days, 12 Monkeys, Virtuosity and Waterworld ( "the most expensive film ever" ).
Ultimately 'delayed' productions listed are A.I. ( *Stanley Kubrick's long-standing pet project "been in development since '89". Finally completed by Stephen Spielberg, released 2001 ), Catwoman ( "Dir Tim Burton. Scr Dan Waters. Michelle Pfeiffer will reprise her role from Batman Returns." *Released in 2004 with none of the above involved, and no connection to any Batman production ), Fantastic Four ( "Dir Chris Columbus" *FF movie finally made in 2005, dir Tim Story ), Indiana Jones 4 ( "Should be ready for Summer '96" *Not quite. SFX would speculate on potential Indy 4 movies for the next 12 years ), The Mask 2 ( "Jim Carey...will reprise his role as Stanley Ipkiss this Summer." *Made as Son Of The Mask, 2005, with only actor Ben Stein appearing from the first film ), Matrix (sic) ( *released 1999 ), Mutant Chronicles ( "Dir Stephen Norrington" * Finally made 2008, dir Simon Hunter ), Planet Of The Apes ( "Prd Oliver Stone...To star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Perhaps." *Tim Burton film, released 2001 without Stone or Schwarzenegger ), Predator 3 ( "Fox has recently added this to its project list." *Alien vs. Predator released 2004. Predators in production, 2009 ), Spider-Man ( "Dir/Scr/Prd James Cameron...should go into pre-production in 1995 for a 1996 release." *Cameron's production ultimately shelved. Spider-Man, dir Sam Raimi, released 2002 ), Star Wars: The Clone Wars trilogy ( "The first film...provisional release date of 1998" *Star Wars Episode I, released 1999 ), Superman Reborn ( "Christopher Reeves (sic) left the project, claiming he didn't like Cary Bates' script." *Superman Lives/Reborn concept eventually abandonned. Superman Returns, dir Bryan Singer, released 2006 ), Terminator 3 ( "Dir. James Cameron. St Arnold Schwarzenegger." *Made without Cameron's involvement, 2003 ), V For Vendetta ( "Dir Brett Leonard or Kenneth Brannagh. Scr Hilary Henkin." *Final film directed by James McTeigue, scripted by the Wachowski brothers, 2005 ), Virus ( "Based on the Dark Horse comic." *Released 1999 )
Other movies listed, that remain 'trapped in Hell'; Afterlife ( *Joss Whedon screenplay "cost the studio $1.5 million" remains unproduced ), Battletech ( "Live-action SF based on the role-playing game" ), Concrete ( *Another comic character from Dark Horse "Script has been around for several years now. Should go into production in 1995." ), The Chrysalids ( "Based on the (excellent) novel by John Wyndham" ), Day Of The Triffids ( *Another Wyndham novel "gets the big budget treatment" ), The Day The Earth Caught Fire ( "Dir Jan de Bont...Remake of the 1962 Val Guest classic...Backed by 20th Century Fox, the film has a $40 million budget and should begin shooting in 1996, after de Bont's Twister." ), Dinotopia ( "Based on the best-selling picture novel by James Gurney" *A Dinotopia TV miniseries was made in 2002, followed by a full series lasting one season ), Farenheit 451 ( "A remake, but this time scripted by Ray Bradbury" ), Flash Gordon ( "David S. Goyer has already written the first draft of the script" ), Forbidden Planet ( "Dir Irwin Kershner...This remake...was due to start production in London on 31 October 1994. Date has since drifted." ), Foundation ( "David Henry Hwang's adaptation of Isaac Asimov's classic series" ), Jonny Quest ( "Due Summer 1996" ), Legacy ( "A remake of Hammer Horror's 1968 Quatermass And The Pit, and backed by MGM" ), Luke Cage ( "Dir John Singleton...Based on Marvel character, Power Man" ), Manslayer ( "Based on Jay R. Bronaninga's novel, The Black Mariah, about a female psychiatrist who mophs into a comic book character" ) Plastic Man ( "names have been suggested, including Tim Robbins, Bruce Willis and Michael Jackson" *You what?! ), The Quatermass Experiment ( "Hammer/Donner-Shuler Donner Productions" ), The Stars My Destination ( "Dir Paul Anderson...$50 million adaptation of Alfred Bester's classic novel. The flim is set to roll this year" ), Stranger In A Strange Land ( "(*adaptation of) Robert Heinlein novel has Tom Hanks in the lead role" ), The Three Stigmata Of Palmer Eldritch ( "Prd Francis Ford Coppola...Based on the novel by Phillip K. Dick...Budget may reach $30 million...Expected to shoot in the UK" ), Total Recall 2 ( "A script exists..." ).
FEATURES
'Big guns, kangaroos and Spunk beer- Tank Girl: An insider's story' (8 pages) by Garry Marshall, assistant editor of Deadline magazine.
As thorough, even-handed and satisfying a BTS article as one could hope for, with input from creators Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin. The origins of the character and her rise to fame are explained ( "It seemed the world had just been waiting for a foul-mouthed, lager-swilling, suede-headed ultra-bitch to kick it in the nuts") , as is the struggle to sell Hollywood on the movie. The film-makers certainly seem to have been committed to making something unique and 'cult-y'.
Blue Print spotlights Tank Girl's tank ( "a girl's best friend" ). Art Director Simon Murton and star Lori Petty contribute their thoughts on the genuine WW2 light tank, heavily customized to include rocket thrusters, machine guns, the rear half of a '69 Cadillac, and, of course, lawn furniture!
Editor Matt Bielby talks about the origins of SFX in the very first Neutral Zone (1 page), and fanzine writer Suzi 9mm talks Star Wars, and lusting for Han Solo, in 'SFXCELLENT!'
Dave Langford talks 'The Book on the Edge of Forever', Harlan Ellison's legendary The Last Dangerous Visions, an anthology meant to have seen print in 1972 and which remains in limbo to this day.
John Grant's 'Fantasy at 26 Frames per second' examines the decline of great fantasy literature, versus the boom in great fantasy movies. Like Last Action Hero.
'Whose Who?' by Dave Golder (9 pages), a timeline of events from Doctor Who's cancellation in 1989 onwards, is superb. Witty, comprehensive, written with a fans' passion without the opinion ever overwhelming the story, it's sets the benchmark for many SFX articles to follow.
Also includes one-page stories on glossy, fan-made video productions, The Stranger (starring Colin Baker), Shakedown (featuring the Sontarans) and Downtime (starring Nicholas Courtney, Deborah Watling and the Yeti), as well as the famous, aborted anniversary production, The Dark Dimension.
The SFX Interview: Iain M. Banks by Mary Branscombe (8 pages) is a thoroughly entertaining insight into the Culture series' frank, unpretentious author, who asserts "I regard myself very much as a science fiction writer", but will probably always be remembered first and foremost as the 'mainstream' Iain Banks. 'Iain M. Banks ON Iain M. Banks' covers the 13 SF novels Banks produced since 1984, with the authors brief, idiosyncratic remarks ("Definitely a coke addict!", he says of Complicity, 1993), and a boxout details his next two books. Reading this, one feels guilty at not having actually read any of them!
Behind the scenes at the Creature Shop (4 pages), text by MJ Simpson, includes over 30 behind-the-scenes photos and concept illustrations from the Jim Henson Creature Shop in (surprisingly) Camden, North London, with 'monsters' from The Dark Crystal to the Flinstones movie.
Couch Potato: Star Trek: Voyager sees Matt and Dave, plus friends Clare and Maff (and a cameo by Dave's flatmate, Rich) sittting down with the first six episodes of the latest Trek spin-off series, ahead of its UK television premiere. The general consensus is that the pilot, Caretaker, is excellent, but any goodwill it may have generated has completely evaporated by the fifth episode, at which point Clare and Maff makes their excuses and leave. Happily, Matt and Dave are impressed enough to give the show the benefit of the doubt.
Viewing schedule: 7pm "Caretaker", 9.09pm "Parallax", 10.01pm "Time and Again", 10.53pm "The Phage", 11.45pm "The Cloud", 12.38pm "Eye of the Needle"
Yesterday's Heroes: The Six Million Dollar Man (1973-78) by Jon Abbot, reveals that the fondly remembered action series, based on Cyborg by Martin Caidin, was "primarily conceived as a way of doing Superman on TV without resorting to rights and licensing fees", and that despite its huge popularity, lost much of its bite after the pilot movie, treading the safe, predictable waters of most family fare being made for TV in the '70's.
REVIEWS
Film:
Tank Girl (18), reviewed by Matt Bielby (C+) and Dave Golder (B-)
Two reviews, one from Tank Girl fan Matt, the other from Dave, who's never read the original comic strip. Matt is somewhat disappointed ("no 'roo shagging, for example, and Petty never gets her kit off"), but says "ultimately the film wins you over, despite whatever fears you might have about it being hopelessly bad during the first hour. (And you will think this- at times the film seems almost perversely determined to be shit, but constantly rescues itself at the last moment").
Dave, on the other hand, enjoys the picture far more than he was expecting "Sure, there's the odd stale, lagery whiff of desperation about it in places, but overall it comes up smelling of roses, albeit thorny, greefly-ravaged ones."
Both admit the film is schizophrenic and incoherent, but each finds something to enjoy.
* For the record, the film tanked (fittingly), the Tank Girl creators hated it, and it pretty much killed Deadline magazine.
The Mangler (18), reviewed by Matt Bielby (C)
Based on a Stephen King story about a giant, demonic laundry press with a tendency to mince people, this unsurprisingly turns out to be throw-away schlock, from Texas Chain Saw director Tobe Hooper. "It does the job- but only just"
Outbreak (15), reviewed by Matt Bielby (A-)
Matt was pleasantly surprised by this "pacey, efficient thriller", starring Dustin Hoffman and an all-star cast. "Not a great film, perhaps, but certainly a very good one"
Street Fighter (12), reviewed by Dave Golder (D-)
Raul Julia's last film ("but, God, what an epitaph"), this "monumentally dire" video-game adaptation co-stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue, and is "streets ahead of all contenders for the title of Worst Film Of The Year So Far"
This Month in Film:
Stargate (PG), by Matt Bielby (D-)
It seems the whole SFX team are befuddled by the huge success of a film that's, "at best, a half-baked hodge-podge of ideas based on everything from Spielberg to Lawrence Of Arabia... How has Stargate got away with it?"
Star Trek: Generations (PG), by Dave Golder (C+)
The seventh Star Trek movie offers "much to enjoy...but to get the most out of it you're really going to have to shut off the side of your brain that tries to make sense of the thing. Completely." Interview With The Vampire (18), by Dan Goodleff (B+)
"Not your typical horror film- it's an intelligent, glorious-looking, romantic arthouse movie, based on a bestseller, that just happens to be packed with big stars."
SF Movie Box Office number 1: Outbreak
TV:
RoboCop The Series (Sky One), by Jon Abbot (B-)
The family-friendly TV adaptation of the ultra-violent movie, scripted by the same screenwriters. "Anyone dismissing RoboCop: The Series as "just a kids show" is missing out on a beetter-than-average slice of action-oriented science fiction TV."
The X-Files season 2 (Sky One), by Jon Abbot (B)
The first four stories promise a season as "extraordinary" as the first, "but if the writers start focussing on the two protagonists instead of their investigations, it risks losing what makes The X-Files such compulsive viewing" He may have had a point there.
Space Precinct (Sky One), by MJ Simpson (B)
Acknowledging it to be "hokum", Gerry Anderson's most recent series, his first live-action effort since the '70's, gets a very respectable review from MJ Simpson: "Fun, exciting, and full of potential"
BUGS (BBC 1), by MJ Simpson (C)
"The main problem seems to be that it's all just a bit too, well, bland", says MJ of the popular BBC spy series, intended as an "Avengers for the 90's".
The Month in TV:
Chiller (ITV), by MJ Simpson (B-)
Low-rated ghost story anthology series that split opinion in the SFX office (Dave slammed it on pages 7 & 8). "I personally found all five dramas to be suitably creepy"
I, Camcorder (Channel 4), by MJ Simpson (B+)
Robert Llewellyn presents a six-part series on how to make home movies more interesting. "It's worth watching even if you don't have a camcorder, too"
Johnny And The Dead (ITV), by MJ Simpson (B-)
First live-action production based on a Terry Pratchett book is enjoyable, but loses "much of the charm" of Pratchett's "use of language and witty narrative"
SF TV Top Ten number 1: BUGS
Video:
The X-Files volume 1 & 2 (15), by Stuart Campbell (B, B)
Our reviewer wasn't so much immediately wowed by the first four episodes of the TV juggernaut as guardedly impressed; "neat enough tales of the unexpected, with some great lines thrown in with the often cheesy dialogue...and just enough genuine surprises to keep you interested until the next installment."
Lois And Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman volumes 1, 2 & 3 (PG), by Gary Whitta (B, C+, C+)
The first six installments for the hit US series that transfigured the world's most famous superhero story into Moonlighting-with-spandex. "(not so much) exciting weekly superhero exploits, so much as a professional and polished, snappily-written comedy/drama with a sci-fi slant. I fear, however, that there's just enough here for real Superman fans to get their teeth into"
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (15), Frankenstein (15), Frankenstein Created Woman (15), by MJ Simpson (B+, C, B)
Three very different Frankenstein movies, starting with Kenneth Brannagh's "lambasted" version, "the most faithful adaptation to date...The best thing to do is put all previous versions out of your mind, and just accept this as a rollicking good yarn"
The second, an obscure Yorkshire TV feature, starring Robert Powell, Carrie Fisher and David Warner as the monster, "slightly shuffles the events of Shelley's tale, but keeps the characters and their motivations intact. Performances, sets and costumes are all good"
Lastly, from Hammer, Frankenstein Created Woman, a Peter Cushing-starring revenge tale about doomed lovers and soul-swapping that sounds appealing bonkers; "(there isn't) any adequate explanation of why Christina's hair changes from red to blonde during the transformation, beyond Cushing's odd comment: "As I predicted!""
Babylon 5 vols 1, 2 & 3 (PG), by Maff Evans (C-, D+, C)
Six "early episodes, before the show really got into its stride" that didn't much impress the reviewer. "The final package ends up decidedly unfulfilling...more akin to expensive Gerry Anderson than classy TNG, DS9 or The X-Files fare. Happily, it gets a lot better later on"
Well, Infection was pretty dire.
The Avengers vols 1 & 2 (PG), by Dave Golder (C+, B)
Four early, black and white episodes from the classic series, starring Honor Blackman. "It's nice to see the series in its embryonic form...All in all, a bit of a treat"
The Month in Video:
Jason and the Argonauts Laserdisc (PG), by Steve Jarratt (B+)
Limited edition package from Encore Entertainment, including restored print of the film and bonus content. "Watchable- if flawed and slightly crinkly- romp that's aged well"
Godzilla Vs Mothra (PG), by Andy Stout (C+)
1992 monster mash, co-starring Battra, "gloriously dumb as ever"
The High Crusade (15), by Matt Bielby (C-)
Bizarre, cod-Python medieval comedy. "Italians playing Glaswegian aliens? Erm, yes" Actually, I'd quite like to see this!
No Escape (18), by Matt Bielby (C)
SF prison movie, starring Ray Liotta. "The level of ambition seems horrifyingly low; the potential audience small...hopelessly average"
Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (15), by Matt Bielby (B+)
First volume of three episodes from much-maligned Series 6. "Not great Dwarf, perhaps, but still great telly"
The Shadow (12), by Dave Golder (B-)
Pulp adventure from Russell Mulcahy, with style "winning out over the rickety story"
T-Force (18), by Steve Holland (C)
"Hokum" Die Hard-esque SF action about killer androids.
Dune (15), by Dave Golder (C)
David Lynch's adaptation of the complex SF novel has "nothing good on hand to balance the
ponderous, ham-fisted mess that passes as a script"
Doctor Who: The Androids of Tara (U), by Dave Golder (B-)
Part four in The Key To Time. "Not classic Dr. Who (sic), that's for sure...but fun all the same"
Doctor Who: The Stones of Blood (U), by Dave Golder (D+)
The 100th Doctor Who story, which Dave reckons is a "desperate concoction of of lame scripting, over-the-top acting, and the worst special effects since Flash Gordon flew around in a spark-farting spaceship"
Reboot (U), by Dave Golder (B)
VHS release for the first two episodes of the world's first fully computer-animated kids' series. "Stunning effects-but well dodgy scripts"
SFX Video Chart number 1: The X-Files Box Set
Books:
Everville - Clive Barker (pb), by David Langford (C+)
Latest volume from the horrormeister. "Has this albatross of unfullfilled story hanging about it's neck. And for all Barker's skill and flashes of vision, it ultimately fails to satisfy"
Soul Music - Terry Pratchett (pb), by David Langford (B)
"Maybe not the best Discworld novel to come from Pratchett's pen, but definitely a good one"
Lethe - Tricia Sullivan (hb), by Rod Lawton (B)
"Quite an intelligent, sensitive and engrossing yarn"
The X-Files: Goblins - Charles Grant (pb), by Jim Swallow (B-)
First original novel based on the TV series. "Grant pretty much comes through with the goods"
The Star Trek The Next Generation Companion - Larry Nemecek (pb) (A-)
Expanded and updated edition. "An essential reference work"
and
Captain's Log Supplemental II - Mark A Altman & Edward Gross (pb), by MJ Simpson (D-)
Similar, unauthorised volume covering the whole Trek franchise. "Pointless"
The Month in Books:
To Build Jerusalem - John Whitbourn (pb), by David Langford (B+)
"Clever and uncosy" follow-up to A Dangerous Energy.
Star Trek: Ashes Of Eden - William Shatner with Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens (hb), by Karen Levell (B-)
First of several Kirk adventures. "Shatner's insights are the prime focus, revealing aspects of Kirk's character that would be seen as heresy if written by anyone else"
Moths To A Flame - Sarah Ash (hb), by David Langford (B)
Debut novel from Brit author. "Definitely an author to watch"
Net Trek - Kelly Maloni, Ben Greenman, Kristin Miller & Jeff Hearn (pb?), by Clive Parker (A+)
"Impeccably researched and well put-together" guide to Star Trek content on the internet.
Permutation City - Greg Egan (pb), by David Langford (B+)
Ambitious mind-bender. "Personally, I loved it"
The Making Of Tank Girl - Frank Wynne (pb?), by Paul Thomason (B+)
"Well-written" behind-the-scenes book from the editor of Deadline magazine.
Requiem - Graham Joyce (pb), by David Langford (B)
"Rich mix of danger, mysticism and exotic sleaze...A highly disturbing read"
The Coming Of Vertumnus - Ian Watson (pb), by David Langford (B-)
Story collection."Something enjoyable for everyone, and something to annoy everyone too"
North Wind - Gwyneth Jones (pb), by David Langford *8 books in one month! (A)
Sequel to White Queen. "Jones constructs splendidly complex, thoughtful, lived-in and smelly SF worlds."
The Ships Of Merior - Janny Wurts (pb), by MJ Simpson (D)
Second volume in The War(s) Of Light And Shadow series. "There is an old rule to writing fiction: when you're finished, go back and take out 50% of the adjectives. Janny Wurts has obviously misheard this as "add 50% more adjectives""
SFX SF Book Chart number 1: The X-Files: Goblins by Charles L. Grant
Comics:
The Invisibles (DC/Vertigo) Issues 1-9 - Grant Morrison (writer),
Steve Yeowell, Jill Thompson and others (art), by Stuart Campbell (A)
"Bucks you like a bad-tempered bronco as you endeavour to negotiate its fantastic, spikey, spider's-web plotlines."
Preacher (DC/Vertigo) Issues 1 & 2 - Garth Ennis (writer), Steve Dillon (art), by Matt Bielby (A-)
"If anyone writes sharper, nastier, more effectively shocking strips than Ennis I've yet to see them"
The Month in Comics:
Bob, The Galactic Bum (DC) Issues 1-4 - Alan Grant, John Wagner (writers), Carlos Ezquera (art), by Matt Bielby (B+)
"A solid and often amusing romp" co-starring Lobo
Harlan Ellison's Dream Corridor (Dark Horse) Issue 1 - Harlan Ellison and others (writers), John Byrne, Craig Elliot and others (art), by Matt Bielby (C+)
Anthology comic based on classic stories. "Too bitty and varied in content to really hold the attention"
Death Race 2020 (Roger Corman's Cosmic Comics) Issue 1 - Pat Mills, Tony Skinner (writers), Kevin O'Neill (art), by Matt Bielby (B)
Based on the cult movie. "Lots of violence, lots of good jokes- and lots of car crashes. It's a hoot"
SFX Comics Chart number 1: Batman #519 (DC)
New Media:
Bioforge (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (A-)
Offers an interactive movie experience without "contain(ing) a single frame of video"
Panzer Dragoon (Sega Saturn), by Steve Jarratt (C+)
"Involves no Panzers (tanks or otherwise) and Dragoons with only one "o"" CG animation by French artist Moebius.
The Month in Media:
Frontier: First Encounters (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (D)
"The game is horribly bugged"
Slipstream 5000 (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (B)
"The sensation of speed is phenomenal"
SFX Computer Games Chart number 1: SimCity 2000 (PC)
Models (all reviews by Mike Reccia):
6ft Enterprise-D (Hothouse Productions) (A+)
Massive, meticulously detailed model, hand-crafted to order by small, ambitious UK company. A snip at £1,499 for the complete model, or £799 for the kit. "The saucer section alone is five feet in diameter"
18 inch USS Excelsior (ERTL) (A)
"Ertl's best Trek starship kit to date"
The Month in Toys & Models:
Vinyl Bones McCoy (ERTL) (B-)
"Fairly lifelike" 12" figurine
Klaatu and Gort (Biliken) (A-)
Highly detailed model figures from The Day the Earth Stood Still. "You can even see the crease in the suit's crotch!"
Borg Ship (Bandai) (A-)
Electronic model ship from Playmates. "A cool, if a little overpriced, piece of kit that you can terrorise the cat with no end"
Tosh:
Vertigo Tarot (DC/Vertigo), by Mary Branscombe and Tanais Fox (A-)
Tarot deck, with Vertigo Comics icons such as Morpheus, John Constantine and Tim Hunter. "Beautifully presented and packaged"
The Month in Tosh: Paradise Lost In Space (radio drama, Radio 4), by MJ Simpson (B+) SF comedy, starring Tony Robinson
The Amazing Spider-Man (audio drama, BBC), by Dave Golder (C-)
"A 150-minute endurance excercise"
The Compleat Four Seasons (music, American Gramophone), by MJ Simpson (B)
Vivaldi's masterwork, with original sonnets by the composer, read by Patrick Stewart. "The poems really give the music a new lease of life"
Live!: Confabulation: The 46th British National Science Fiction Convention, by Mary Branscombe. Guest of honour Lois McMaster Bujold.
"(Bob Shaw) ...having been thrown out of the Science Fiction Writers of America for assuming that a monomolecular layer was just a very small chicken"
Plus, MJ Simpson explains it all in 'Okay, so just what is an SF convention?' sidebar.
Competitions:
Ten sets of Macross Plus volumes 1 & 2 , Complete Iain M. Banks library (13 books), 20 copies of The Making Of Tank Girl, three sets of Key To Time videos (6 volumes, The Ribos Operation signed by Mary Tamm), plus Key To Time poster, and ten copies of the new Reboot video
SFX Archive: Classic Star Trek some quite amazingly dull, pink-tinted, clapper board shots from behind-the-scenes of Errand Of Mercy, Balance of Terror and I, Mudd
=====================
Firsts and Lasts: Well, first everything, obviously, from the fonts to the short-lived running gag of Dave's housemate Rich coming home during Couch Potato and declaring "I hate (insert name of franchise/genre/characters)" and disappearing upstairs. One interesting 'Last' though, Matt mentions a regular featurette to be included in the Neutral Zone pages, "Doing It My Way...", in which readers send in pictures of themselves with friends, restaging scenes from classic SF. Knowing sci-fi fans, they probably had at least a few entries, but nothing is ever heard of this feature again. Cut for space, perhaps?
DOES NOT COMPUTE!: Amazingly few cock-ups for a first issue, although the Sliders preview does refer to "Wade Wells as Sabrina Lloyd" (other way around, guys), but that could just as easily be an error from the press release
Do Me A Favour!: Pretty much everything in the Tank Girl coverage, from the film-makers who seem genuinely proud at having spent millions of dollars on something so audience-unfriendly, to the taken-as-read assumption that a plotless cartoon strip about a punk girl with a 'pet' tank, a kangaroo boyfriend and a fondness for 'Spunk' beer is somehow suitable for mass consumption. The story does however seem to prove that theory that Hollywood can ruin anything.
Also, in the Shakedown article, the reference to the Sontarans having to be "completely redesigned" because even the BBC wasn't sure who owned the rights. Hmm, if by "completely redesigned" you mean "lumpier, more plasticky-looking and with brown armour instead of black". Director Kevin Davies, "I think they ended up looking very Babylon 5". If you say so, mate!
Things We Learn:
* The BUGS pilot drew 12.5 million viewers in the UK
* Proteus was partially filmed behind an East London branch of Tesco
* Brit actress Emily Lloyd was at one point set to play Tank Girl
* One of the more obscure false starts in Doctor Who history was a Washington DC-set feature film, to be directed by Bob Clark and star either Albert Finney or John Cleese, at least according to US showbiz columnist Marilyn Beck, in 1990
* As a child, Matt Bileby had nightmares about being crushed by heavy machinery
Charmingly Dated: Who the fuck remembers Tank Girl?!
Funny Bits: Most of what's here is ambiently witty rather than laugh-out-loud funny, but one does have to chuckle at Clare and Maff excusing themselves from the Voyager evening: "We've, er, got to go." "Yes. Maybe we could borrow the other tapes some time. Possibly. Bye."
Trek Bashing: Practically none, but it's early days yet
Joss Whedon mentioned: 3 times
At The End Of The Day: A truly remarkable start for the World's Greatest SF Magazine, glossy, professional, devoid of pretence, full of insight and love for the material, with the mag's distinctive voice(s) loud and clear from the first page. If anything, it's a bit more reverential and willing to embrace the new that the trendy jadedness that's become the standard now. In other words, a bit more like a magazine written by fanboys, which might just have to do with not wanting to alienate any new readers.
All in all, more value for money and worthy of ones' attention than most anything else on the shelves. A new gold standard for genre journalism is set right here.
Things We Learn:
* The BUGS pilot drew 12.5 million viewers in the UK
* Proteus was partially filmed behind an East London branch of Tesco
* Brit actress Emily Lloyd was at one point set to play Tank Girl
* One of the more obscure false starts in Doctor Who history was a Washington DC-set feature film, to be directed by Bob Clark and star either Albert Finney or John Cleese, at least according to US showbiz columnist Marilyn Beck, in 1990
* As a child, Matt Bileby had nightmares about being crushed by heavy machinery
Charmingly Dated: Who the fuck remembers Tank Girl?!
Funny Bits: Most of what's here is ambiently witty rather than laugh-out-loud funny, but one does have to chuckle at Clare and Maff excusing themselves from the Voyager evening: "We've, er, got to go." "Yes. Maybe we could borrow the other tapes some time. Possibly. Bye."
Trek Bashing: Practically none, but it's early days yet
Joss Whedon mentioned: 3 times
At The End Of The Day: A truly remarkable start for the World's Greatest SF Magazine, glossy, professional, devoid of pretence, full of insight and love for the material, with the mag's distinctive voice(s) loud and clear from the first page. If anything, it's a bit more reverential and willing to embrace the new that the trendy jadedness that's become the standard now. In other words, a bit more like a magazine written by fanboys, which might just have to do with not wanting to alienate any new readers.
All in all, more value for money and worthy of ones' attention than most anything else on the shelves. A new gold standard for genre journalism is set right here.
As you can see, this was intended to be very ultimate indeed. You can also see why I stopped after one issue.
Saturday 7 May 2011
Your Guide to Life in the Power Rangers Universe
(Not a Power Rangers viewer? Then this piece will mean nothing to you, please skip to the next entry)
1- Don't worry about the language barrier. Everyone in this universe, from distant lands to ancient times has some knowledge of contemporary English.
2- You may notice property rates in major cities are way down. This is for a very big reason as you'll soon discover.
3- Incidentally, working in a skyscraper would not be advisable. Ditto construction sites and warehouses.
4- Nor would driving in a car.
5- Never let your kids ride the school bus (unless they're over the age of 12, in which case martial arts is already second nature to them, and they can take care of themselves).
6- Civilian life is generally safe and secure but you can expect to be transformed into a statue, a bottle of perfume, a postage stamp, a lollypop or something equally outlandish. Effects are temporary
7- Also, you will inevitably be taken hostage and 'held for ransom'. Be warned, the local heroes fall for it every time.
8- Ranger-based peacekeeping is impressive but flawed. Violent offenders are dealt with with extreme prejudice but the worst of them are offered the benefit of the doubt, provided they express some interest in reform. As above, gullibility is a big factor
9- Never underestimate the redemptive potential of a small child in mortal danger
10- Ladies, do you like bike shorts? You better had cos you're gonna be wearing them a lot!
11- You'll meet many beautiful people. Men tend to be long-haired and bashful. Women tend to be badly dressed and have names beginning with 'K'
12- You may meet the love of your life. Just don't expect to talk about it much. Or kiss. In fact, if you want to do anything more than hold hands, forget it. Learn to love cold showers.
13- If city life is not to your liking, you may consider relocating to a more rural area. This won't help at all.
14- Have a favourite colour? Better make sure it appears in every item of clothing you own. And don't push your luck with purple or orange, stick to primaries.
15- Genius? You might find yourself acting as a kind of quartermaster for the local super team. You might well assume that you yourself will be granted superpowers at some point (plenty of those around, right). You might.
You probably won't though.
16- So, think you have what it takes in the heroics department, but are the wrong shape or size? Fear not! Meet the right people and you'll be issued with an amazing miracle suit that makes you 2 feet taller/ nice and slenderly proportioned, like everyone else! Just be prepared to never take it off.
17- So, you think you have what it takes in the brains and martial arts department to be a superhero, but you're only 10 years old? Yeah, well, go the hell away!! We don't want you. Nobody wants you. Go and find some adorable orphans to play with and stay the hell out of our sandbox!!
You wanna be a superhero, go ask Shazam.
18- Helmet hair is a non-issue.
19- As a warrior against evil, you'll be excellently equipped : lasers, swords, bazookas, daggers, crossbows, cannons, battle staffs and all manner of gadgetry, as well as a motorcycle that might even be flight-capable! And did I mention the giant robots? No jet packs though, sorry.
20- You must always abide by 3 sacred laws:
I) Never escalate a battle (unless you just wanna break out the auxilliary zords for the hell of it, cos those toys don't sell themselves.)
II) Never use your powers for personal gain (unless said powers are ill-defined and practically limitless, in which case use them for
everything).
III) Keep your identity a secret (unless you work for government or law enforcement, in that case let everybody know).
21- Don't worry about your enemies exploiting the knowledge of your true identity by going after your loved ones. It's doubtful this will occur to them.
22- Get used to talking with your hands.
23- When given the awesome responsibility of piloting a colossal war machine, rest assured that you'll instantly know all of said machines functions and how to operate them.
24- Superheroes in comics put on their costumes, Power Rangers have morphers. A morpher is a powerful and vital device, so it's a good idea not to leave it in your backpack, locker, or anywhere it might get lost or stolen. In fact, why not wear it on your wrist, 24/7. Nobody will notice.
25- Transformation, of course, takes at least a few seconds even in emergencies, ditto the arrival of back-up. Don't fret, the bad guys will wait.
26- If you're still in morphed form but not in action, you might notice some strange stylistic differences to your battle suit. If it is now ill-fitting, a different shade, has a rigid collar, and if your chest armour is now made of foil and your famous talisman weapon has been replaced by someone else's blaster, just go with it.
27- Speaking of blasters, try and remember you have one in close quarters combat situations. As Indiana Jones taught us, the gun is mightier than the sword. There is a time and a place for everything, however: simply blasting away indiscriminately while your friends are kicking and pirouetting about the place is just bad form
28- Genetic Powers also come in handy, don't forget those either.
Whaddya mean, you don't have any..?
29- So you and your friends are rubbing along quite nicely as defenders of Earth when some upstart jerk with no idea about any of it shows up out of the blue. Hate to break it to you, but that guy's your new leader.
And that sweet armour power-up you've been itching for? That's heading his way, too
30- Be prepared, you will at some point either be serving evil or meet an evil doppelganger. Don't let it bother you, it happens to all of us.
31- Travelling through time? Your ancestors and/or descendants will look exactly like you, bar hairstyles. This is a meaningless genetic blip, ignore it.
32- Just because you're a hero, you may not be a people person.
Loner heroes fall into two categories; you might be embittered, hot headed, quick to anger and resentful of your lot in life. Fear not! You can still find acceptance with a great group of friends (they just won't call you a friend, or think of you as one, or spend any time with you unless they need something. Then they'll leave, never to return) and even enjoy a (brief) romantic flirtation (with someone equally embittered, hot headed, quick to anger and resentful. Who will leave, never to return).
Alternatively, you might be a Noble Warrior and then all you have to worry about is loved ones thinking you're dead for long periods of time.
33- Picture your life as a Power Ranger: you're in a great city, you've met someone special, and your superheroic career combines your martial arts skills with your newfound love of motor racing.
Flash forward 8 years and you're single, living in some other town (not too far away, but much greener and with more rain), teaching high school science despite a huge catalogue of skills that now includes archaeology and genetic engineering. You also find most of the significant events of your life taking place in the same quarry.
And you seem to keep running into new people who seem so familiar.
And everyone talks with a weird, uneven accent you can't quite place.
Aw man.
MAY THE POWER PROTECT YOU!
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