New Year's Resolutions (Why They're a Waste of Time)

1. Have more sex.
With eventual aim of becoming good at it. But realistically, that's like devoting my time and energy to getting hit by fewer meteors.

2. Get a new (well-paid, non retail) job.
Actually any job that I'm not ready to chuck within 8 months, with colleagues that aren't total flakes, would make a nice change. The problem is, I've spent my whole working life up to this point in dead end shop jobs because those are pretty much my only option. Finding an actual vocational position somewhere would mean going back to school, and I'd rather still be wearing the polo shirt and namebadge ensemble and filling shelves when I'm in my 80's (entirely plausible, if the Tory's have their way) than set foot in another place of learning. So this one doesn't wash either.

3. Get a place of my own to live.
No dice without that fat salary from that fantasy job. In the current financial climate, a retail worker needs to be grafting a good 50 or 60 hours a week to maintain a comfortable living standard and run their own home. Yes, lots of people manage- my mother and I included- with benefits, but again, we've a Conservative government and their very real and active plans to dismantle the welfare state to consider. In fact, scrub this one and go with 'Don't count on benefits ever again'.

4. Make new friends.
Hmm, and maybe once I've mastered this I'll solve my financial problems by selling the secret to other lonely, disaffected people with blogs.

5. Actually meet some of my current (online) friends.
Those in the US and Finland, not very likely, however there is a chance of meeting two others at the SFX Weekender this February (won't actually be attending the event; the prohibitive cost was a large factor in the dissatisfaction with SFX that lead me to abandon the online forum and eventually the magazine itself). That's assuming I actually have the petty cash to afford the trip to Pontins in Prestatyn. If so, it'll be the closest thing to an actual holiday I've had in years, and certainly the most glamorous!

6. Take less shit from people in general.
In the last 24 months, I've actually been regularly treated like shit by co-workers, customers and even a few 'friends', and most of the time I've barely questioned it. I've been far too accepting of very shoddy treatment from my fellow creatures and badly need to stop listening to the little voices in the back of my mind telling me not to expect any better.

7. Learn to play the piano.
I could say guitar, but that'd really be flattering myself.

8. Start writing again... Make serious effort to turn occassional hobby into a career.
This would entail convincing myself once and for all that I do have some modicum of talent, and of somehow honing my craft to the point where not every sentence is grueling uphill struggle, so that my work output is a tad higher than one short story every 6 years. Also probably wouldn't hurt to brush up on that punctuation thing.

9. Girlfriend.
Not managed to make this one happen for any of the last twenty-five years, but I've got a good feelin' about 2012!

10. Blog more.
Possibly just commit my thoughts to paper aeroplanes and launch them from the roof, thus in all likelihood significantly boosting my readership.


"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind..."

Decision time

(L-to-R) Top row: Yes*, no, maybe, won't last 6 months so who cares, yes, yes, no.
Second row: No, yes, grudgingly yes, might be good, About Fucking Time, probably not, no, pointless without Oracle, yes.
Third row: No, yes, no, cautiously yes, don't be stupid, no, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Fourth row: Probably not, Who??, who are they trying to kid?, no, no, I'll give it 2 more issues, maybe, yes, no.
Fifth row: No, no, yes, yes, no, maybe, yes, no, no.
Bottom row: Probably not, yes, yes, no, God no, yes but only for Martian Manhunter, maybe, no, I'd love to want to say yes, but... No.

*Only as long as Morrison's writing it.

UPDATE Summer 2012: Current pull list is Action Comics (enjoyable if irksome), Animal Man (an honest-to-goodness horror book that's really impressed me), Aquaman (amazingly well-handled, streamlined take on the character and his history, which kicks lots of ass and looks gorgeous, month in, month out), Batgirl (like everyone, I miss Oracle, but at least Gail Simone is still writing Babs), Batman/ Batman and Robin/ Detective Comics/ Batman Inc. (all have been consistently gripping and very enjoyable. Bat-history barely seems effected at all, although Stephanie and Cassandra inexplicably get the shitty end of the stick once again), Batwing (really entertaining and compelling book that so easily could have been a bland Bat-wannabe. Rumours are that it's headed for cancellation, which I fervently hope are untrue), Batwoman (same creative team as before the reboot, so it's every bit as good), The Flash (good, but not rocking anybodies' world just now. Badly need to up their game with this one), Green Lantern (basically Sinestro's book these days, but another title that's benefitted greatly from the hands-off approach. Great stuff), Justice League International (on its final issue *sniff*. Booster is supposedly getting his own solo book again soon), Nightwing (great to have it back, but could do better), Red Lanterns (lots of people dislike it for some reason. I find the exploits of Attrocitus and co. fun and satisfying), Supergirl (well written, but Kara was reintroduced to mainstream DC so recently, it can't help but jar. And I hate that costume), Superman (rapidly losing patience with it, too), Wonder Woman (Brian Azzarello can write Wonder Woman!- who knew? Story arc is dragging a bit though) and the new Smallville: Season 11 series.

Dropped like a stone were: DC Universe Presents (Deadman arc was enjoyable enough, nothing since has interested me in the slightest), Green Lantern New Guardians (not enough to hold my interest, and I didn't appreciate the retelling of Kyle's origin), Justice League (I so wanted to love this, but it's awkward, shallow and Jim Lee's art bugs me almost as much as seeing Martian Manhunter's place usurped by Token- sorry, Cyborg. The horrible Shazam back-up strip was the last straw for me), Justice League Dark (cool concept, but the first issue was dull and I hate the New 52 version of Zatanna), Mister Terrific (a character I love, so a big disappointment. Predictably cancelled), Red Hood and the Outlaws (that first issue... Christ, I haven't felt so sullied by a comic since All-Star Batman and Robin. I felt like writing to Starfire to apologise. Ghastly), Stormwatch (read it for Martian Manhunter, who was hardly in it and poorly handled, and indeed is soon to be written out. God knows who thought giving this to Paul Cornell was a good idea) and Teen Titans (rebooted versions of all the characters I cared about, in hideous new costumes. Just shit). Also Earth 2 (after 1 issue) and World's Finest (after 3), as reading James Robinson's horrible, Ultimates take on the Justice Society does nothing for my blood pressure, and Paul Levitz's writing sends me to sleep.

What's your sex?

Some months ago I wrote a bit about my sexual outlook and my ambivalence towards pornography. Looking back, I feel a little bit of a hypocrite: for one thing, I'm still a regular and unapologetic porn consumer, even if 9 out of every 10 clips I view (I won't lie to you or myself by calling them 'movies') are erotically bankrupt dreck. I said before I don't actually hate porn, but I should have specified that actually I love it- one the rare occasion it's any good.

Anyway... Jadis, endless source of inspiration that she is, recently posted a blog on the various concepts of sexual identity, and invited her friends to contribute their thoughts. My 'comment' turned out to be more of a mini essay, which I reproduce here. This is the first time I've written about my own sexual identity in such detail.
* * *

One bisexual male's P.O.V: As a teenager, I found the same private, hormone-fired fascination with other males as did a lot of lads my age (although I never knew this then). It was puberty, plain and simple; wanting to know just how far the storm of new sensory experiences could take me. I wondered about sex with other males, sure- I wondered about sex! I certainly wasn’t having any. It was, truly, a whole new level of perception: I knew very little about it, I couldn’t really imagine how it’d feel, but it had become the most important thing in the universe. I quickly got used to adults telling me it was all just a phase, that I’d calm right down as I got older. That seemed a bizarre suggestion then, it seems bloody ridiculous to me now.

Yes, my interest in other boys was fleeting. Girls were softer, easier on the eyes and a thousand times more complex. In fact, it was my first introduction to women, and I’ve been hopelessly in love ever since.
Flashforward to my late teens and I’m thinking about other males again. I’m still a virgin, still painfully gauche, but I’m familiar enough with at least the mechanics of sex to realise it’s not so narrow and limited as to be closed of to those of us without girlfriends.
Since that time, I’ve been with men and I’ve been with women. I’ve sat and looked at myself and thought how my feelings make no sense. I’ve thought, when enjoying the company of a man, that I could live the rest of my life without women and be perfectly happy. At other times, I’ve been with a woman and seriously wondered what on earth ever drew me to other men in the first place. The problem was, I kept expecting my inner self to figure out what shaped peg it was and drop into the appropriate hole (so to speak).

We live in a world that demands we categorise and label ourselves on every level: we like what we can recognise and identify. We often feel at our safest knowing we are one of many. It’s an instinctive anxiety, but it doesn’t make much sense. Life itself thrives on diversity, and those that don’t devise new levels of being, be they individuals or species, are doomed to stagnate and die.

Are you straight or gay? If you’re bisexual, which gender do you like better? I was forever asking these questions of myself. But honestly, sexual and romantic passion for the opposite gender and the same passion for your own are entirely different. What I desire and enjoy in men is nothing like what I desire and enjoy with women- it seems so obvious now!

It’s been suggested that bisexuals are simply sexual omnivores, addicts who’ll say yes to everything, with bisexual men in particular having just watched too much porn. Some say that porn conditions straight men to associate the naked male bodies they see with the pleasure they derive from watching women, and thus they start to think of themselves of bi. I have a little sympathy for these theories, certainly there will always be some men with the ‘any hole’s a goal’ attitude, and God knows any man who turns to fellow males seeking simply a substitute woman is doomed to end up more frustrated and depressed than ever. In the end, regardless of stated orientation, if you can’t love men for being male, or women for being female, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

The very definition of sexuality is the most nebulous, most hard to quantify in the whole sphere of human experience. There are those who see it purely as a question of which gender you prefer, while others see ‘sexuality’ as beginning and ending simply with whatever gets you off- fantasies, fetishes, etc. Neither definition is adequate. Sex is a vast, fluid continuum of perception, experience, intensity. The variables are infinite. One’s sexuality is as complex and individual as one’s fingerprints.

I call myself bisexual for the sake of conversational clairty, but the older I get, the more I think of these labels as essentially meaningless.

I am a sexual being. I am me.


One final thing: Cardiff's LGBT Mardi Gras is this weekend. I'll be going along this year, for the first time ever. Hope it's nice!

DC gets the Omega Sanction

I had a sinking feeling when I heard that the final issue of Flashpoint would be the only single-issue title released in the last week of august.

I'm used to these crossover events; I've come to expect 'bold new directions' for the major characters, costume make-over's, loudly trumpeted creative teams and being expected to purchase 20 or 30 tie-in books, lest I miss vital chunks of the story (yeah, right). And, like any DC or Marvel fan, I'm no stranger to Crisis-style plots designed to give the (supposedly) stagnant fictional universe a clean slate. This, though, is different.

Crisis on Infinite Earths was constructed with the aim of streamlining the DC mythology, crammed as it was with parallel universes, alternate timelines, multiple versions of every major character, and plenty of regrettable kitch. Readers of the 1980's, reasoned the Powers That Be, might just be put off by continuity references dating back to the war, and certainly wouldn't be as impressed by the likes of Beppo the Super-Monkey as their parents were, as kids. A scorched earth policy would eliminate these issues; one timeline, one universe, one Earth, with modernised versions of all the iconic heroes and villains, keeping what worked, binning what didn't.

The trouble was of course that the DC U was just too damn vast. The A-, B- and C-list heroes alone comprised dozens upon dozens of superheroes, each with their own backstory, supporting cast, villains, sidekicks and so on. Not every one of them had their own comic book, but the majority made regular appearances, often in several titles per month. When you factor in characters from other, defunct comics companies acquired by DC (the Charlton Comics heroes, the Captain Marvel family, et al), the volume of new ones being introduced every year, plus minor figures still being used here and there- for the sake of maintaining the ownership rights, for instance- and you're obviously facing the same problem. The universe was never going to stop expanding.

Since that time, we've had two further Crises, cake-and-eat-it plot mechanics such as Hypertime, or the revival of the multiverse (now restricted to 52 parallel worlds), and smaller event stories designed to untangle new continuity problems, as in Zero Hour, or generally give the DC catalogue a healthy shaking-up (Identity Crisis, and so on). In each case, the classic DC heritage seemed to win out, one way or the other. Fragments of deleted histories found their way back into the panels, often via revivals from high profile writers, like with Grant Morrison's brilliant take on a unified Batman mythology.

While all this was going on, Marvel came up with the Ultimates. While the regular Marvel books carried on as usual, this flashy new line showcased Spider-Man, the X-Men, et al as if brand new, with ruthlessly retooled origins and artwork. People who knew nothing about the characters could embrace these boiled-down versions, and they were a huge success from the outset. DC should have capitalised on this, and seemed to have made a half-assed attempt with the All-Star Batman and Robin/ All-Star Superman series', also very big sellers, but a long way from something like Ultimate Avengers.
In the past year, the Twilight-influenced Superman: Earth One was released, promising to be the first of several all new, youthful, continuity-free graphic novels, clearly in the Ultimate vein.

For a long time, people have been debating the releative merits of Marvel over DC and vice versa; which was the stronger company, who produced the best comics or the most iconic superheroes. In the last decade, the balance has seemed to be tipped emphatically in Marvel's favour, with one mega-budget movie adaptation after another proving to be a huge box office draw. Not so long ago, Iron Man and Thor would have been called 'obscure' by most pundits. Now everybody recognises them. Spider-Man's rogue's gallery is almost as well known as Batman's. Even our disinterested parents can now name half a dozen X-Men.
It's well established that only spectacular incompetence can produce a screen version of Batman that doesn't work, so yet more record-breaking Bat-flicks don't really impress anyone all that much. In movie terms, DC is pathetically lagging behind the competition. Constantine, The Losers and Jonah Hex are obviously no help at all. As far as many observers are concerned, the war between DC and Marvel has been decisively won. The people have chosen their victor.

The pro-Marvel argument goes something like this: Marvel is more realistic. It's characters are recognisable human beings and the stories are rooted in real world issues. It's far easier to relate to an awkward teen who lives in New York City than a demigod in Metropolis. It is this down to earth quality that readers and moviegoers find appealing, and this is what gives Marvel the edge.
Well, let's take Stan Lee. The greatest showman in comic books, Lee's gift was for dreaming up striking characters with nifty gimmicks whose modus operandi could be summed up in a sentence. With artists like Jack Kirby, Lee produced a small army of heroes and villains with trememndous visual punch. For children, the attraction was obvious. The characters were instantly and endlessly merchandisable, and as history has proven beyond doubt, ideal fodder for adaptations into other media.

Of course, a cynical person might submit that these latter attributes were the real key to the Marvel success story, and that the characters themselves were, shall we say, not quite as breathtakingly original as the Uncanny Self-Publicist liked to claim. For example, Doctor Strange and the Fantastic Four could well be seen as a Doctor Fate and Challengers of the Unknown for the 1960's. Iron Man is essentially Batman, if you replace gothic horror with sci-fi. And DC had a blind superhero, Doctor Mid-Nite, 20 years before Lee's 'groundbreaking' Daredevil. One could also point to significant antecedents for Spider-Man and the X-Men.
The point is, Stan Lee was all about the gimmick, the one-line pitch. He gave the public plenty of spectacle and bang for their buck. He'd never have considered a mere human in a costume (the non-high tech kind) with no actual superpowers, but that's exactly what Batman is. So is Green Arrow. So are most of their allies, as well as many other significant players in DC, even today.

This talk of 'realism' doesn't quite hold up. Yes, Peter Parker is just an ordinary kid... Until he gets super powers, then he becomes something totally beyond the ordinary. That's rather the point of comic books, which are, in the end, mythology. Setting your comics in NYC is all well and good, but it's still a comic book. It doesn't make much difference if Obama is President in your fictional universe instead of Lex Luthor, when said universe is populated by gods, magic, radiation that gives you superpowers, etc.
When people talk about such and such a story being 'realistic', what they're actually talking about is that 'verisimilitude' Richard Donner captured for Superman: The Movie. It is emotional realism, whereby the characters' reactions to events, however outlandish, are recognisably human and honest. Marvel fans claim this as their territory, but y'know, DC does that as well. How is Peter Parker's strugle to balance life and love with his career as a superhero really any different from that of Clark Kent?

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters is the numbers, the millions upon millions these movies bring in. Many years ago, comic books evolved, if that's the word, from cheap, disposable entertainment for kids to collectors items. Comics fans were grown up, second generation, they became a niche market. The comic books vanished from supermarkets and newsstands, only to be found in 'specialist' shops, a situation that continues to this day. According to some reports, the monthly comic books themselves actually represent an unprofitable area for the entertainment giants that publish them, the real money being in collected edition, mass-market graphic novels and the movies, cartoons and video games based on the properties.
We're now at the point where public awareness of comics and superheroes is at an all-time high, and yet we still don't see the comic books promoted. When Iron Man or The Dark Knight opened, there were no ads in newspapers or on the sides of buses prompting people to learn more about the characters they'd seen at the cinema by actually picking up and reading a comic book. It seems to me an extremely obvious and totally neglected area of potential revenue.

Now DC and its parent company want to be the first to step into same day digital publishing, and they want as many new people drawn to the books as possible. The upshot of which is closing the book on DC's 75 year history, all titles cancelled and relaunched at issue #1. Instead of building their own Ultimate line, DC is simply becoming Ultimate DC. It is a shameful move, one motivated entirely by greed. Stories and character building that have unfolded over years, decades, are to be swept away. Genuine icons are being broken down and rebuilt, to accomodate new audiences expected, it seems, to hold them in contempt. I notice from the Jim Lee promotional art that Wonder Woman's most recent and much-loathed costume is now the 'official' look. And oh yes, Superman's red trunks have been done away with. Because they looked so dumb, right?

How utterly pathetic. How is it the people who actually own these heroes can have so little respect for them, such lack of appreciation of the very fundamentals of this mythology?

We expect better from DC, Goddammit!
Marvel pulls shit like this all the time- and arguably betrayed their own heritage once and for all when they opted to base their new movie series on the Ultimates versions of the characters- Marvel fans are used to it.
I never, ever expected DC to pull a Heroes Reborn on us.

I love DC Comics. I love the universe, the characters, the legacy. I love that when you read Superman or Batman, you're reading popular fiction that has been in continuous publication since the end of the Depression, weathering every storm, every war, surviving every shift in politics and fashion, and always remaining relevent, popular and able to ignite the imagination. Superhero mythology is like nothing else, and DC is its ancestral home. I am one of countless individuals whose lives have been touched by it in some way, and am among legions of passionate, devoted followers who look forward to new stories every month, year after year.
As of September 2011, all those feelings and memories we have invested in these stories are effectively null and void. I am a fanboy, and this breaks my heart.

R.I.P DC.

SFX Insanity

My deranged attempt at composing the ultimate, issue by issue guide to SFX magazine for the history books.
"Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time".

SFX #1
June 1995

Price: £3 of your Earth money

Cover: Lori Petty as Tank Girl

Spine line: "I had to drink a lot of beer to get the feel of Tank Girl" - Lori Petty

Staff: Editor Matt Bielby

Deputy Editor Dave Golder

Staff Writer MJ Simpson

Production Editor Dan Goodleff

Art Editor Matt Williams

SFX Beer of the month: Guiness

NEWS

Strange Tales: * 'Why is there so little SF on British TV?' ponders the continued fish-faced indifference of UK TV execs, at least at the four major channels, towards investing in new genre programming, despite the huge popularity of The X-Files, and a corresponding resurgance of interest in SF in both mainstream media and public consciousness. A "Victorian X-Files" from Carlton is mooted, and SFX begins roughly ten years of plaintive speculation regarding the possible resurrection of Doctor Who. 'SFX SAYS' recommends someone take the initiative and purchase the small screen rights to DC/Vertigo Comics' Hellblazer.
* A one-page pictoral shows stills from the imminent Judge Dredd movie, ahead of a full article in SFX #2.
* Sigourney Weaver discusses plans for the upcoming Alien 4 in a short interview.
* New Brit sci-fi action-horror flick, Proteus, starring the then semi-hot shit Craig Fairbrass, is described as an Aliens/The Thing/Die Hard/The Hidden hybrid!
* 'So who is...Larry Niven?' boxout profiles the author and his famous works.
* New TV series, Sliders soon to make it's debut on UK Sky TV
* The tempestuous production history of the ill-fated SeaQuest is reviewed ("Voyage to the bottom of the ratings!")
* Editor Matt Bielby gives the lowdown on Space Precinct, and the accompanying toy range from Vivid Imaginations.
* SFX nails it's tribbles to the wall with 'Star Trek captains compared'; all the time-honoured jokes about Shatner being bald, DS9 being boring, and so on are trotted out in one short feature. We're in safe hands!
* 'Don't quote us!' notes Kevin Costner rumoured to be playing Indiana Jones's brother in new movie sequel, plus a lavish new Sherlock Holmes flick to possibly star Alan Rickman, and US Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) movie on the cards.
* The inaugural 'Objets d'arse' covers the infamous, 18-inch Alien action figure, released in 1979 by Mattel.
* Other news: Forrest Gump trumps Star Wars as third biggest ever grossing film in the USA, audio book versions of Doctor Who novelisations to be released, Zombie God Squad (about zombie Salvation Army workers) movie cancelled following the death of star Peter Cook, Ghost In The Shell to be released in October, Manga movies to be shown in select cinemas around the UK, Superman vs. Aliens comic released, HG Wells commemerative postage stamps produced to mark centenary of The Time Machine, first issue of X-Files comic now chaging hands for £40 or more, David Duchovny's "erotic"thriller series, The Red Shoe Diaries, showing on UK satellite TV (not that that's remotely SF, but just to remind us all how insanely popular The X-Files was) ...

Production Hell: Upcoming attractions listed that eventually made it into cinemas 'on schedule' include Alien 4 ( "long-touted script for an Aliens vs Predator movie has since been superseded by a Joss Whedon story in which the Aliens (at last!) come to Earth." *Released as Alien Resurrection, set entirely in space. ) Apollo 13, Barb Wire, Batman Forever, Congo, Contact, Crash, Deep Impact ( "Prd...Stephen Spielberg. Based on Arthur C Clarke's well-known novel The Hammer of God". *The film ultimately had nothing in common with the book besides the concept of a world-threatening asteroid, although Spielberg had optioned the film rights to the book ), Dragonheart, Escape From Los Angeles (sic) ( "...it's a long way off." *Film actually came out in 1996 ), First Knight, Godzilla ( *SFX reports Jan de Bont departing the production, as his vision for the film would have cost $130 million; "TriStar wants to keep the budget to $100 million." Final film did indeed have a budget of $130 million. ), GoldenEye, Hackers ( "mostly unknown cast of teenagers" *Amongst them Angelina Jolie ), Independence Day, The Indian In The Cupboard, The Island Of Doctor Moreau ( "St Marlon Brando, Gary Oldman" *Made with Brando and Val Kilmer ), Johnny Mnemonic, Jumanji, The Killer Tongue, Lawnmower Man 2, Matilda, Men In Black, Mosquito ( "St Gunnar Hansen" ) Mortal Kombat, Net (sic) ( *Released as The Net ), The Nutty Professor ( "St Eddie Murphy, Jerry Lewis" *Made without producer Lewis )The Phantom ( "Cameron Diaz also stars" *Made without Diaz ), Species, the second Star Trek: The Next Generation movie ( "already has a tentative November 1996 release date" ), Starship Troopers, Strange Days, 12 Monkeys, Virtuosity and Waterworld ( "the most expensive film ever" ).
Ultimately 'delayed' productions listed are A.I. ( *Stanley Kubrick's long-standing pet project "been in development since '89". Finally completed by Stephen Spielberg, released 2001 ), Catwoman ( "Dir Tim Burton. Scr Dan Waters. Michelle Pfeiffer will reprise her role from Batman Returns." *Released in 2004 with none of the above involved, and no connection to any Batman production ), Fantastic Four ( "Dir Chris Columbus" *FF movie finally made in 2005, dir Tim Story ), Indiana Jones 4 ( "Should be ready for Summer '96" *Not quite. SFX would speculate on potential Indy 4 movies for the next 12 years ), The Mask 2 ( "Jim Carey...will reprise his role as Stanley Ipkiss this Summer." *Made as Son Of The Mask, 2005, with only actor Ben Stein appearing from the first film ), Matrix (sic) ( *released 1999 ), Mutant Chronicles ( "Dir Stephen Norrington" * Finally made 2008, dir Simon Hunter ), Planet Of The Apes ( "Prd Oliver Stone...To star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Perhaps." *Tim Burton film, released 2001 without Stone or Schwarzenegger ), Predator 3 ( "Fox has recently added this to its project list." *Alien vs. Predator released 2004. Predators in production, 2009 ), Spider-Man ( "Dir/Scr/Prd James Cameron...should go into pre-production in 1995 for a 1996 release." *Cameron's production ultimately shelved. Spider-Man, dir Sam Raimi, released 2002 ), Star Wars: The Clone Wars trilogy ( "The first film...provisional release date of 1998" *Star Wars Episode I, released 1999 ), Superman Reborn ( "Christopher Reeves (sic) left the project, claiming he didn't like Cary Bates' script." *Superman Lives/Reborn concept eventually abandonned. Superman Returns, dir Bryan Singer, released 2006 ), Terminator 3 ( "Dir. James Cameron. St Arnold Schwarzenegger." *Made without Cameron's involvement, 2003 ), V For Vendetta ( "Dir Brett Leonard or Kenneth Brannagh. Scr Hilary Henkin." *Final film directed by James McTeigue, scripted by the Wachowski brothers, 2005 ), Virus ( "Based on the Dark Horse comic." *Released 1999 )
Other movies listed, that remain 'trapped in Hell'; Afterlife ( *Joss Whedon screenplay "cost the studio $1.5 million" remains unproduced ), Battletech ( "Live-action SF based on the role-playing game" ), Concrete ( *Another comic character from Dark Horse "Script has been around for several years now. Should go into production in 1995." ), The Chrysalids ( "Based on the (excellent) novel by John Wyndham" ), Day Of The Triffids ( *Another Wyndham novel "gets the big budget treatment" ), The Day The Earth Caught Fire ( "Dir Jan de Bont...Remake of the 1962 Val Guest classic...Backed by 20th Century Fox, the film has a $40 million budget and should begin shooting in 1996, after de Bont's Twister." ), Dinotopia ( "Based on the best-selling picture novel by James Gurney" *A Dinotopia TV miniseries was made in 2002, followed by a full series lasting one season ), Farenheit 451 ( "A remake, but this time scripted by Ray Bradbury" ), Flash Gordon ( "David S. Goyer has already written the first draft of the script" ), Forbidden Planet ( "Dir Irwin Kershner...This remake...was due to start production in London on 31 October 1994. Date has since drifted." ), Foundation ( "David Henry Hwang's adaptation of Isaac Asimov's classic series" ), Jonny Quest ( "Due Summer 1996" ), Legacy ( "A remake of Hammer Horror's 1968 Quatermass And The Pit, and backed by MGM" ), Luke Cage ( "Dir John Singleton...Based on Marvel character, Power Man" ), Manslayer ( "Based on Jay R. Bronaninga's novel, The Black Mariah, about a female psychiatrist who mophs into a comic book character" ) Plastic Man ( "names have been suggested, including Tim Robbins, Bruce Willis and Michael Jackson" *You what?! ), The Quatermass Experiment ( "Hammer/Donner-Shuler Donner Productions" ), The Stars My Destination ( "Dir Paul Anderson...$50 million adaptation of Alfred Bester's classic novel. The flim is set to roll this year" ), Stranger In A Strange Land ( "(*adaptation of) Robert Heinlein novel has Tom Hanks in the lead role" ), The Three Stigmata Of Palmer Eldritch ( "Prd Francis Ford Coppola...Based on the novel by Phillip K. Dick...Budget may reach $30 million...Expected to shoot in the UK" ), Total Recall 2 ( "A script exists..." ).

FEATURES
'Big guns, kangaroos and Spunk beer- Tank Girl: An insider's story' (8 pages) by Garry Marshall, assistant editor of Deadline magazine.
As thorough, even-handed and satisfying a BTS article as one could hope for, with input from creators Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin. The origins of the character and her rise to fame are explained ( "It seemed the world had just been waiting for a foul-mouthed, lager-swilling, suede-headed ultra-bitch to kick it in the nuts") , as is the struggle to sell Hollywood on the movie. The film-makers certainly seem to have been committed to making something unique and 'cult-y'.
Blue Print spotlights Tank Girl's tank ( "a girl's best friend" ). Art Director Simon Murton and star Lori Petty contribute their thoughts on the genuine WW2 light tank, heavily customized to include rocket thrusters, machine guns, the rear half of a '69 Cadillac, and, of course, lawn furniture!
Editor Matt Bielby talks about the origins of SFX in the very first Neutral Zone (1 page), and fanzine writer Suzi 9mm talks Star Wars, and lusting for Han Solo, in 'SFXCELLENT!'
Dave Langford talks 'The Book on the Edge of Forever', Harlan Ellison's legendary The Last Dangerous Visions, an anthology meant to have seen print in 1972 and which remains in limbo to this day.
John Grant's 'Fantasy at 26 Frames per second' examines the decline of great fantasy literature, versus the boom in great fantasy movies. Like Last Action Hero.
'Whose Who?' by Dave Golder (9 pages), a timeline of events from Doctor Who's cancellation in 1989 onwards, is superb. Witty, comprehensive, written with a fans' passion without the opinion ever overwhelming the story, it's sets the benchmark for many SFX articles to follow.
Also includes one-page stories on glossy, fan-made video productions, The Stranger (starring Colin Baker), Shakedown (featuring the Sontarans) and Downtime (starring Nicholas Courtney, Deborah Watling and the Yeti), as well as the famous, aborted anniversary production, The Dark Dimension.
The SFX Interview: Iain M. Banks by Mary Branscombe (8 pages) is a thoroughly entertaining insight into the Culture series' frank, unpretentious author, who asserts "I regard myself very much as a science fiction writer", but will probably always be remembered first and foremost as the 'mainstream' Iain Banks. 'Iain M. Banks ON Iain M. Banks' covers the 13 SF novels Banks produced since 1984, with the authors brief, idiosyncratic remarks ("Definitely a coke addict!", he says of Complicity, 1993), and a boxout details his next two books. Reading this, one feels guilty at not having actually read any of them!
Behind the scenes at the Creature Shop (4 pages), text by MJ Simpson, includes over 30 behind-the-scenes photos and concept illustrations from the Jim Henson Creature Shop in (surprisingly) Camden, North London, with 'monsters' from The Dark Crystal to the Flinstones movie.
Couch Potato: Star Trek: Voyager sees Matt and Dave, plus friends Clare and Maff (and a cameo by Dave's flatmate, Rich) sittting down with the first six episodes of the latest Trek spin-off series, ahead of its UK television premiere. The general consensus is that the pilot, Caretaker, is excellent, but any goodwill it may have generated has completely evaporated by the fifth episode, at which point Clare and Maff makes their excuses and leave. Happily, Matt and Dave are impressed enough to give the show the benefit of the doubt.
Viewing schedule: 7pm "Caretaker", 9.09pm "Parallax", 10.01pm "Time and Again", 10.53pm "The Phage", 11.45pm "The Cloud", 12.38pm "Eye of the Needle"
Yesterday's Heroes: The Six Million Dollar Man (1973-78) by Jon Abbot, reveals that the fondly remembered action series, based on Cyborg by Martin Caidin, was "primarily conceived as a way of doing Superman on TV without resorting to rights and licensing fees", and that despite its huge popularity, lost much of its bite after the pilot movie, treading the safe, predictable waters of most family fare being made for TV in the '70's.

REVIEWS
Film:
Tank Girl (18), reviewed by Matt Bielby (C+) and Dave Golder (B-)
Two reviews, one from Tank Girl fan Matt, the other from Dave, who's never read the original comic strip. Matt is somewhat disappointed ("no 'roo shagging, for example, and Petty never gets her kit off"), but says "ultimately the film wins you over, despite whatever fears you might have about it being hopelessly bad during the first hour. (And you will think this- at times the film seems almost perversely determined to be shit, but constantly rescues itself at the last moment").
Dave, on the other hand, enjoys the picture far more than he was expecting "Sure, there's the odd stale, lagery whiff of desperation about it in places, but overall it comes up smelling of roses, albeit thorny, greefly-ravaged ones."
Both admit the film is schizophrenic and incoherent, but each finds something to enjoy.
* For the record, the film tanked (fittingly), the Tank Girl creators hated it, and it pretty much killed Deadline magazine.
The Mangler (18), reviewed by Matt Bielby (C)
Based on a Stephen King story about a giant, demonic laundry press with a tendency to mince people, this unsurprisingly turns out to be throw-away schlock, from Texas Chain Saw director Tobe Hooper. "It does the job- but only just"
Outbreak (15), reviewed by Matt Bielby (A-)
Matt was pleasantly surprised by this "pacey, efficient thriller", starring Dustin Hoffman and an all-star cast. "Not a great film, perhaps, but certainly a very good one"
Street Fighter (12), reviewed by Dave Golder (D-)
Raul Julia's last film ("but, God, what an epitaph"), this "monumentally dire" video-game adaptation co-stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue, and is "streets ahead of all contenders for the title of Worst Film Of The Year So Far"
This Month in Film:
Stargate (PG), by Matt Bielby (D-)
It seems the whole SFX team are befuddled by the huge success of a film that's, "at best, a half-baked hodge-podge of ideas based on everything from Spielberg to Lawrence Of Arabia... How has Stargate got away with it?"
Star Trek: Generations (PG), by Dave Golder (C+)
The seventh Star Trek movie offers "much to enjoy...but to get the most out of it you're really going to have to shut off the side of your brain that tries to make sense of the thing. Completely." Interview With The Vampire (18), by Dan Goodleff (B+)
"Not your typical horror film- it's an intelligent, glorious-looking, romantic arthouse movie, based on a bestseller, that just happens to be packed with big stars."
SF Movie Box Office number 1: Outbreak

TV:
RoboCop The Series (Sky One), by Jon Abbot (B-)
The family-friendly TV adaptation of the ultra-violent movie, scripted by the same screenwriters. "Anyone dismissing RoboCop: The Series as "just a kids show" is missing out on a beetter-than-average slice of action-oriented science fiction TV."
The X-Files season 2 (Sky One), by Jon Abbot (B)
The first four stories promise a season as "extraordinary" as the first, "but if the writers start focussing on the two protagonists instead of their investigations, it risks losing what makes The X-Files such compulsive viewing" He may have had a point there.
Space Precinct (Sky One), by MJ Simpson (B)
Acknowledging it to be "hokum", Gerry Anderson's most recent series, his first live-action effort since the '70's, gets a very respectable review from MJ Simpson: "Fun, exciting, and full of potential"
BUGS (BBC 1), by MJ Simpson (C)
"The main problem seems to be that it's all just a bit too, well, bland", says MJ of the popular BBC spy series, intended as an "Avengers for the 90's".
The Month in TV:
Chiller (ITV), by MJ Simpson (B-)
Low-rated ghost story anthology series that split opinion in the SFX office (Dave slammed it on pages 7 & 8). "I personally found all five dramas to be suitably creepy"
I, Camcorder (Channel 4), by MJ Simpson (B+)
Robert Llewellyn presents a six-part series on how to make home movies more interesting. "It's worth watching even if you don't have a camcorder, too"
Johnny And The Dead (ITV), by MJ Simpson (B-)
First live-action production based on a Terry Pratchett book is enjoyable, but loses "much of the charm" of Pratchett's "use of language and witty narrative"
SF TV Top Ten number 1: BUGS

Video:
The X-Files volume 1 & 2 (15), by Stuart Campbell (B, B)
Our reviewer wasn't so much immediately wowed by the first four episodes of the TV juggernaut as guardedly impressed; "neat enough tales of the unexpected, with some great lines thrown in with the often cheesy dialogue...and just enough genuine surprises to keep you interested until the next installment."
Lois And Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman volumes 1, 2 & 3 (PG), by Gary Whitta (B, C+, C+)
The first six installments for the hit US series that transfigured the world's most famous superhero story into Moonlighting-with-spandex. "(not so much) exciting weekly superhero exploits, so much as a professional and polished, snappily-written comedy/drama with a sci-fi slant. I fear, however, that there's just enough here for real Superman fans to get their teeth into"
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (15), Frankenstein (15), Frankenstein Created Woman (15), by MJ Simpson (B+, C, B)
Three very different Frankenstein movies, starting with Kenneth Brannagh's "lambasted" version, "the most faithful adaptation to date...The best thing to do is put all previous versions out of your mind, and just accept this as a rollicking good yarn"
The second, an obscure Yorkshire TV feature, starring Robert Powell, Carrie Fisher and David Warner as the monster, "slightly shuffles the events of Shelley's tale, but keeps the characters and their motivations intact. Performances, sets and costumes are all good"
Lastly, from Hammer, Frankenstein Created Woman, a Peter Cushing-starring revenge tale about doomed lovers and soul-swapping that sounds appealing bonkers; "(there isn't) any adequate explanation of why Christina's hair changes from red to blonde during the transformation, beyond Cushing's odd comment: "As I predicted!""
Babylon 5 vols 1, 2 & 3 (PG), by Maff Evans (C-, D+, C)
Six "early episodes, before the show really got into its stride" that didn't much impress the reviewer. "The final package ends up decidedly unfulfilling...more akin to expensive Gerry Anderson than classy TNG, DS9 or The X-Files fare. Happily, it gets a lot better later on"
Well, Infection was pretty dire.
The Avengers vols 1 & 2 (PG), by Dave Golder (C+, B)
Four early, black and white episodes from the classic series, starring Honor Blackman. "It's nice to see the series in its embryonic form...All in all, a bit of a treat"
The Month in Video:
Jason and the Argonauts Laserdisc (PG), by Steve Jarratt (B+)
Limited edition package from Encore Entertainment, including restored print of the film and bonus content. "Watchable- if flawed and slightly crinkly- romp that's aged well"
Godzilla Vs Mothra (PG), by Andy Stout (C+)
1992 monster mash, co-starring Battra, "gloriously dumb as ever"
The High Crusade (15), by Matt Bielby (C-)
Bizarre, cod-Python medieval comedy. "Italians playing Glaswegian aliens? Erm, yes" Actually, I'd quite like to see this!
No Escape (18), by Matt Bielby (C)
SF prison movie, starring Ray Liotta. "The level of ambition seems horrifyingly low; the potential audience small...hopelessly average"
Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (15), by Matt Bielby (B+)
First volume of three episodes from much-maligned Series 6. "Not great Dwarf, perhaps, but still great telly"
The Shadow (12), by Dave Golder (B-)
Pulp adventure from Russell Mulcahy, with style "winning out over the rickety story"
T-Force (18), by Steve Holland (C)
"Hokum" Die Hard-esque SF action about killer androids.
Dune (15), by Dave Golder (C)
David Lynch's adaptation of the complex SF novel has "nothing good on hand to balance the
ponderous, ham-fisted mess that passes as a script"
Doctor Who: The Androids of Tara (U), by Dave Golder (B-)
Part four in The Key To Time. "Not classic Dr. Who (sic), that's for sure...but fun all the same"
Doctor Who: The Stones of Blood (U), by Dave Golder (D+)
The 100th Doctor Who story, which Dave reckons is a "desperate concoction of of lame scripting, over-the-top acting, and the worst special effects since Flash Gordon flew around in a spark-farting spaceship"
Reboot (U), by Dave Golder (B)
VHS release for the first two episodes of the world's first fully computer-animated kids' series. "Stunning effects-but well dodgy scripts"
SFX Video Chart number 1: The X-Files Box Set

Books:
Everville - Clive Barker (pb), by David Langford (C+)
Latest volume from the horrormeister. "Has this albatross of unfullfilled story hanging about it's neck. And for all Barker's skill and flashes of vision, it ultimately fails to satisfy"
Soul Music - Terry Pratchett (pb), by David Langford (B)
"Maybe not the best Discworld novel to come from Pratchett's pen, but definitely a good one"
Lethe - Tricia Sullivan (hb), by Rod Lawton (B)
"Quite an intelligent, sensitive and engrossing yarn"
The X-Files: Goblins - Charles Grant (pb), by Jim Swallow (B-)
First original novel based on the TV series. "Grant pretty much comes through with the goods"
The Star Trek The Next Generation Companion - Larry Nemecek (pb) (A-)
Expanded and updated edition. "An essential reference work"
and
Captain's Log Supplemental II - Mark A Altman & Edward Gross (pb), by MJ Simpson (D-)
Similar, unauthorised volume covering the whole Trek franchise. "Pointless"
The Month in Books:
To Build Jerusalem - John Whitbourn (pb), by David Langford (B+)
"Clever and uncosy" follow-up to A Dangerous Energy.
Star Trek: Ashes Of Eden - William Shatner with Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens (hb), by Karen Levell (B-)
First of several Kirk adventures. "Shatner's insights are the prime focus, revealing aspects of Kirk's character that would be seen as heresy if written by anyone else"
Moths To A Flame - Sarah Ash (hb), by David Langford (B)
Debut novel from Brit author. "Definitely an author to watch"
Net Trek - Kelly Maloni, Ben Greenman, Kristin Miller & Jeff Hearn (pb?), by Clive Parker (A+)
"Impeccably researched and well put-together" guide to Star Trek content on the internet.
Permutation City - Greg Egan (pb), by David Langford (B+)
Ambitious mind-bender. "Personally, I loved it"
The Making Of Tank Girl - Frank Wynne (pb?), by Paul Thomason (B+)
"Well-written" behind-the-scenes book from the editor of Deadline magazine.
Requiem - Graham Joyce (pb), by David Langford (B)
"Rich mix of danger, mysticism and exotic sleaze...A highly disturbing read"
The Coming Of Vertumnus - Ian Watson (pb), by David Langford (B-)
Story collection."Something enjoyable for everyone, and something to annoy everyone too"
North Wind - Gwyneth Jones (pb), by David Langford *8 books in one month! (A)
Sequel to White Queen. "Jones constructs splendidly complex, thoughtful, lived-in and smelly SF worlds."
The Ships Of Merior - Janny Wurts (pb), by MJ Simpson (D)
Second volume in The War(s) Of Light And Shadow series. "There is an old rule to writing fiction: when you're finished, go back and take out 50% of the adjectives. Janny Wurts has obviously misheard this as "add 50% more adjectives""
SFX SF Book Chart number 1: The X-Files: Goblins by Charles L. Grant

Comics:
The Invisibles (DC/Vertigo) Issues 1-9 - Grant Morrison (writer),
Steve Yeowell, Jill Thompson and others (art), by Stuart Campbell (A)
"Bucks you like a bad-tempered bronco as you endeavour to negotiate its fantastic, spikey, spider's-web plotlines."
Preacher (DC/Vertigo) Issues 1 & 2 - Garth Ennis (writer), Steve Dillon (art), by Matt Bielby (A-)
"If anyone writes sharper, nastier, more effectively shocking strips than Ennis I've yet to see them"
The Month in Comics:
Bob, The Galactic Bum (DC) Issues 1-4 - Alan Grant, John Wagner (writers), Carlos Ezquera (art), by Matt Bielby (B+)
"A solid and often amusing romp" co-starring Lobo
Harlan Ellison's Dream Corridor (Dark Horse) Issue 1 - Harlan Ellison and others (writers), John Byrne, Craig Elliot and others (art), by Matt Bielby (C+)
Anthology comic based on classic stories. "Too bitty and varied in content to really hold the attention"
Death Race 2020 (Roger Corman's Cosmic Comics) Issue 1 - Pat Mills, Tony Skinner (writers), Kevin O'Neill (art), by Matt Bielby (B)
Based on the cult movie. "Lots of violence, lots of good jokes- and lots of car crashes. It's a hoot"
SFX Comics Chart number 1: Batman #519 (DC)

New Media:
Bioforge (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (A-)
Offers an interactive movie experience without "contain(ing) a single frame of video"
Panzer Dragoon (Sega Saturn), by Steve Jarratt (C+)
"Involves no Panzers (tanks or otherwise) and Dragoons with only one "o"" CG animation by French artist Moebius.
The Month in Media:
Frontier: First Encounters (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (D)
"The game is horribly bugged"
Slipstream 5000 (PC CD-ROM), by Andy Butcher (B)
"The sensation of speed is phenomenal"
SFX Computer Games Chart number 1: SimCity 2000 (PC)

Models (all reviews by Mike Reccia):
6ft Enterprise-D (Hothouse Productions) (A+)
Massive, meticulously detailed model, hand-crafted to order by small, ambitious UK company. A snip at £1,499 for the complete model, or £799 for the kit. "The saucer section alone is five feet in diameter"
18 inch USS Excelsior (ERTL) (A)
"Ertl's best Trek starship kit to date"
The Month in Toys & Models:
Vinyl Bones McCoy (ERTL) (B-)
"Fairly lifelike" 12" figurine
Klaatu and Gort (Biliken) (A-)
Highly detailed model figures from The Day the Earth Stood Still. "You can even see the crease in the suit's crotch!"
Borg Ship (Bandai) (A-)
Electronic model ship from Playmates. "A cool, if a little overpriced, piece of kit that you can terrorise the cat with no end"

Tosh:
Vertigo Tarot (DC/Vertigo), by Mary Branscombe and Tanais Fox (A-)
Tarot deck, with Vertigo Comics icons such as Morpheus, John Constantine and Tim Hunter. "Beautifully presented and packaged"
The Month in Tosh: Paradise Lost In Space (radio drama, Radio 4), by MJ Simpson (B+) SF comedy, starring Tony Robinson
The Amazing Spider-Man (audio drama, BBC), by Dave Golder (C-)
"A 150-minute endurance excercise"
The Compleat Four Seasons (music, American Gramophone), by MJ Simpson (B)
Vivaldi's masterwork, with original sonnets by the composer, read by Patrick Stewart. "The poems really give the music a new lease of life"

Live!: Confabulation: The 46th British National Science Fiction Convention, by Mary Branscombe. Guest of honour Lois McMaster Bujold.
"(Bob Shaw) ...having been thrown out of the Science Fiction Writers of America for assuming that a monomolecular layer was just a very small chicken"
Plus, MJ Simpson explains it all in 'Okay, so just what is an SF convention?' sidebar.

Competitions:
Ten sets of Macross Plus volumes 1 & 2 , Complete Iain M. Banks library (13 books), 20 copies of The Making Of Tank Girl, three sets of Key To Time videos (6 volumes, The Ribos Operation signed by Mary Tamm), plus Key To Time poster, and ten copies of the new Reboot video

SFX Archive: Classic Star Trek some quite amazingly dull, pink-tinted, clapper board shots from behind-the-scenes of Errand Of Mercy, Balance of Terror and I, Mudd

=====================

Firsts and Lasts: Well, first everything, obviously, from the fonts to the short-lived running gag of Dave's housemate Rich coming home during Couch Potato and declaring "I hate (insert name of franchise/genre/characters)" and disappearing upstairs. One interesting 'Last' though, Matt mentions a regular featurette to be included in the Neutral Zone pages, "Doing It My Way...", in which readers send in pictures of themselves with friends, restaging scenes from classic SF. Knowing sci-fi fans, they probably had at least a few entries, but nothing is ever heard of this feature again. Cut for space, perhaps?

DOES NOT COMPUTE!: Amazingly few cock-ups for a first issue, although the Sliders preview does refer to "Wade Wells as Sabrina Lloyd" (other way around, guys), but that could just as easily be an error from the press release

Do Me A Favour!: Pretty much everything in the Tank Girl coverage, from the film-makers who seem genuinely proud at having spent millions of dollars on something so audience-unfriendly, to the taken-as-read assumption that a plotless cartoon strip about a punk girl with a 'pet' tank, a kangaroo boyfriend and a fondness for 'Spunk' beer is somehow suitable for mass consumption. The story does however seem to prove that theory that Hollywood can ruin anything.

Also, in the Shakedown article, the reference to the Sontarans having to be "completely redesigned" because even the BBC wasn't sure who owned the rights. Hmm, if by "completely redesigned" you mean "lumpier, more plasticky-looking and with brown armour instead of black". Director Kevin Davies, "I think they ended up looking very Babylon 5". If you say so, mate!

Things We Learn:

* The BUGS pilot drew 12.5 million viewers in the UK
* Proteus was partially filmed behind an East London branch of Tesco
* Brit actress Emily Lloyd was at one point set to play Tank Girl
* One of the more obscure false starts in Doctor Who history was a Washington DC-set feature film, to be directed by Bob Clark and star either Albert Finney or John Cleese, at least according to US showbiz columnist Marilyn Beck, in 1990
* As a child, Matt Bileby had nightmares about being crushed by heavy machinery

Charmingly Dated: Who the fuck remembers Tank Girl?!

Funny Bits: Most of what's here is ambiently witty rather than laugh-out-loud funny, but one does have to chuckle at Clare and Maff excusing themselves from the Voyager evening: "We've, er, got to go." "Yes. Maybe we could borrow the other tapes some time. Possibly. Bye."

Trek Bashing: Practically none, but it's early days yet

Joss Whedon mentioned: 3 times

At The End Of The Day: A truly remarkable start for the World's Greatest SF Magazine, glossy, professional, devoid of pretence, full of insight and love for the material, with the mag's distinctive voice(s) loud and clear from the first page. If anything, it's a bit more reverential and willing to embrace the new that the trendy jadedness that's become the standard now. In other words, a bit more like a magazine written by fanboys, which might just have to do with not wanting to alienate any new readers.
All in all, more value for money and worthy of ones' attention than most anything else on the shelves. A new gold standard for genre journalism is set right here.

As you can see, this was intended to be very ultimate indeed. You can also see why I stopped after one issue.

Your Guide to Life in the Power Rangers Universe

(Not a Power Rangers viewer? Then this piece will mean nothing to you, please skip to the next entry)

1- Don't worry about the language barrier. Everyone in this universe, from distant lands to ancient times has some knowledge of contemporary English.

2- You may notice property rates in major cities are way down. This is for a very big reason as you'll soon discover.

3- Incidentally, working in a skyscraper would not be advisable. Ditto construction sites and warehouses.

4- Nor would driving in a car.

5- Never let your kids ride the school bus (unless they're over the age of 12, in which case martial arts is already second nature to them, and they can take care of themselves).

6- Civilian life is generally safe and secure but you can expect to be transformed into a statue, a bottle of perfume, a postage stamp, a lollypop or something equally outlandish. Effects are temporary

7- Also, you will inevitably be taken hostage and 'held for ransom'. Be warned, the local heroes fall for it every time.

8- Ranger-based peacekeeping is impressive but flawed. Violent offenders are dealt with with extreme prejudice but the worst of them are offered the benefit of the doubt, provided they express some interest in reform. As above, gullibility is a big factor

9- Never underestimate the redemptive potential of a small child in mortal danger

10- Ladies, do you like bike shorts? You better had cos you're gonna be wearing them a lot!

11- You'll meet many beautiful people. Men tend to be long-haired and bashful. Women tend to be badly dressed and have names beginning with 'K'

12- You may meet the love of your life. Just don't expect to talk about it much. Or kiss. In fact, if you want to do anything more than hold hands, forget it. Learn to love cold showers.

13- If city life is not to your liking, you may consider relocating to a more rural area. This won't help at all.

14- Have a favourite colour? Better make sure it appears in every item of clothing you own. And don't push your luck with purple or orange, stick to primaries.

15- Genius? You might find yourself acting as a kind of quartermaster for the local super team. You might well assume that you yourself will be granted superpowers at some point (plenty of those around, right). You might.
You probably won't though.

16- So, think you have what it takes in the heroics department, but are the wrong shape or size? Fear not! Meet the right people and you'll be issued with an amazing miracle suit that makes you 2 feet taller/ nice and slenderly proportioned, like everyone else! Just be prepared to never take it off.

17- So, you think you have what it takes in the brains and martial arts department to be a superhero, but you're only 10 years old? Yeah, well, go the hell away!! We don't want you. Nobody wants you. Go and find some adorable orphans to play with and stay the hell out of our sandbox!!
You wanna be a superhero, go ask Shazam.

18- Helmet hair is a non-issue.

19- As a warrior against evil, you'll be excellently equipped : lasers, swords, bazookas, daggers, crossbows, cannons, battle staffs and all manner of gadgetry, as well as a motorcycle that might even be flight-capable! And did I mention the giant robots? No jet packs though, sorry.

20- You must always abide by 3 sacred laws:

I) Never escalate a battle (unless you just wanna break out the auxilliary zords for the hell of it, cos those toys don't sell themselves.)
II) Never use your powers for personal gain (unless said powers are ill-defined and practically limitless, in which case use them for
everything).
III) Keep your identity a secret (unless you work for government or law enforcement, in that case let everybody know).

21- Don't worry about your enemies exploiting the knowledge of your true identity by going after your loved ones. It's doubtful this will occur to them.

22- Get used to talking with your hands.

23- When given the awesome responsibility of piloting a colossal war machine, rest assured that you'll instantly know all of said machines functions and how to operate them.

24- Superheroes in comics put on their costumes, Power Rangers have morphers. A morpher is a powerful and vital device, so it's a good idea not to leave it in your backpack, locker, or anywhere it might get lost or stolen. In fact, why not wear it on your wrist, 24/7. Nobody will notice.

25- Transformation, of course, takes at least a few seconds even in emergencies, ditto the arrival of back-up. Don't fret, the bad guys will wait.

26- If you're still in morphed form but not in action, you might notice some strange stylistic differences to your battle suit. If it is now ill-fitting, a different shade, has a rigid collar, and if your chest armour is now made of foil and your famous talisman weapon has been replaced by someone else's blaster, just go with it.

27- Speaking of blasters, try and remember you have one in close quarters combat situations. As Indiana Jones taught us, the gun is mightier than the sword. There is a time and a place for everything, however: simply blasting away indiscriminately while your friends are kicking and pirouetting about the place is just bad form

28- Genetic Powers also come in handy, don't forget those either.

Whaddya mean, you don't have any..?

29- So you and your friends are rubbing along quite nicely as defenders of Earth when some upstart jerk with no idea about any of it shows up out of the blue. Hate to break it to you, but that guy's your new leader.
And that sweet armour power-up you've been itching for? That's heading his way, too

30- Be prepared, you will at some point either be serving evil or meet an evil doppelganger. Don't let it bother you, it happens to all of us.

31- Travelling through time? Your ancestors and/or descendants will look exactly like you, bar hairstyles. This is a meaningless genetic blip, ignore it.

32- Just because you're a hero, you may not be a people person.
Loner heroes fall into two categories; you might be embittered, hot headed, quick to anger and resentful of your lot in life. Fear not! You can still find acceptance with a great group of friends (they just won't call you a friend, or think of you as one, or spend any time with you unless they need something. Then they'll leave, never to return) and even enjoy a (brief) romantic flirtation (with someone equally embittered, hot headed, quick to anger and resentful. Who will leave, never to return).

Alternatively, you might be a Noble Warrior and then all you have to worry about is loved ones thinking you're dead for long periods of time.

33- Picture your life as a Power Ranger: you're in a great city, you've met someone special, and your superheroic career combines your martial arts skills with your newfound love of motor racing.

Flash forward 8 years and you're single, living in some other town (not too far away, but much greener and with more rain), teaching high school science despite a huge catalogue of skills that now includes archaeology and genetic engineering. You also find most of the significant events of your life taking place in the same quarry.
And you seem to keep running into new people who seem so familiar.
And everyone talks with a weird, uneven accent you can't quite place.

Aw man.

MAY THE POWER PROTECT YOU!

Banana Boat

(Some thoughts on "Sucker Punch")

You open this door with the key of imagination...

Oh, sorry. Never mind.

Writing any kind of coherent critique after suffering an all-out sensory assault like that would be rather a struggle. But then an actual block of words, one after another, hardly befits the Zac Snyder school of creative expression. I don't want my audience to get bored. So I'm just gonna go with staccato sentences and bullet points:

* I noticed no obvious product placement, so that's a positive. Sucker Punch may look like the longest trailer ever made tagged onto the longest slo-mo video game demo ever made, and interspersed with four or five of the longest music videos ever made, but at least it's not just the longest commercial ever made, right?

* I doubt there was ever a market for them before, but now the world has been presented with Emily Browning, I'm sure a line of sad-faced blow-up dolls will be in high demand.

* The last film I saw so excessively, wearingly CGI-drenched had Stephen Sommers' name attached to it. The difference being that while Sommers' movies may have only minimal plot, they do actually have some.

* The gunmen robots (everything the iRobots in I, Robot should have been) were my favourite of all the cannon fodder on screen, and actually the only legitimately cool thing I found in the whole film. I mean, giant Samurai, crap CG dragons and zombie Nazis? Been done, hasn't it?
Nice to see the Orcs still in work, mind.

* Yes, the soundtrack was wicked- that particular version of "Army of Me" really has to be experienced in bone-rattling surround sound- but soundtrack awesomeness is very often in inverse proportion to the quality of the film itself, this being a perfect example. I mean, Resident Evil: Apocalypse had a brilliant soundtrack.

* Was it just me who couldn't shake the feeling that Scott Glenn's vaguely Zen, bon mot-spouting Wise Man character was written for Leonard Nimoy?
"Oh, and one more thing... Live long and prosper. And watch your asses."

* Actually, I should go easy on Glenn. Bringing some gravitas to the proceedings was obviously his function here

Beg Your Pardon, I Just Need To Blink In Slow-Motion

by virtue of him being the only cast member not to deliver their dialogue as if speaking English as a second language. Though that's largely the fault of the script.

* I could just about see what the director thought he was doing here. But Snyder shot himself in the foot right from the opening sequence (which really looked as if it was put together with t.A.T.u's "All the Things She Said" in mind). More on this later. What I could see very clearly was the director's hard-on.

As a serious leg man, I should perhaps have been more enthused, this being not so much a work of a cinema as a hymn to the shapely thigh, with provocative heels and hosiery aplenty...

You might say I'm a "sucker" for this kind of thing. But then I'd have to "punch" you in the cock.

But no.
This is a sterile, sexless exercise in cheap kink. Even supremo of sleaze Russ Meyer managed to imbue his movies with a sweaty, voyeuristic atmosphere that demonstrated he grasped (oo-er!) at least one aspect of genuine lust, even if the films themselves left you in urgent want of a bath and a confessional. Here, Snyder's approach to lady flesh is much the same as his (and Stephen Sommers' and George Lucas') to CGI. He simply throws everything 'cool' he can think of at the screen, arrogantly assuming we, the pulic will lap it up. As my favourite SFX reviewer, Nick Setchfield once put it, "there comes a point where your senses simply refuse to process anymore awe". The non-stop eye candy provokes nothing but nausea.
After that point, all one can think is how ridiculous it is, dream reality or not, for the girls to still be wearing their fishnets, bustiers and platforms whilst working in the kitchens or scrubbing the floors.

Oh dear, that was rather a long bit. Not very exciting. Here's a young lady with a big gun.



Still with me?

* Since we never actually see any of Babydoll's supposedly mesmerisingly-erotic dancing, Snyder probably thinks himself immune to the charge of salaciousness. He sure wouldn't be the first filmmaker to think putting weapons into the hands of scantily-clad ciphers makes him a feminist.

* Oscar Isaac made for a excellent scumbag, but then it's hard not like a guy who shoots Vanessa Hudgens.

* All the voice-over waffle about angels is fine, until we reach the last act and we're made to think it was intended figuratively (thank fuck, says the audience), aaaaand then we find the Wise Man, who apparently has no connection to the real Babydoll at all, turning up in her reality as Sweet Pea's actual guardian angel.

Speaking of reality...

* For the central conceit to work at all, we need a solid founding in a recognisably 'real' world. In theory, the real version of Babydoll is the mute girl whose scenes bookend the story, but these portions of the film resemble nothing so much as the opening of Return to Oz remade by Rob Zombie. Even if you can swallow the glamorously Tim Burtonish nightmare asylum, and further suspend your disbelief to accept that the inmate population consists entirely of slim, enticingly grubby young women, there's still the tiny issue of Babydoll's always immaculate layer of inches-thick make-up. And her amazing ability to take a surgical pick through the eye orbit without so much as a scratch.

* What's the US national debt now? The mascara budget alone for this flick might have eased things dramatically.

* The ending, let's be clear on this, is by no means a clever subversion, nor even a decent plot-twist. We learn that Babydoll is really a disturbed girl who accidentally killed her little sister, which makes you wonder if the step-father had her lobotomised out of grief-stricken revenge more than anything. You'll note that the dark haired little sister bears no resemblance to Babydoll herself; perhaps Evil Stepdad was the younger girl's biological father? It's clear Baby was dillusional, so it's entirely possible her perception of everything was distorted and she was never a victim at all.

* And OK, the real Babydoll helps the real Sweet Pea escape. But since we learn absolutely nothing about the real Sweet Pea, who doesn't seem at all insane, and there's nothing to suggest that Rocket's biefly-glimpsed real world analogue is either a) her sister, or b) dead, it pretty much renders the (deep breath) character arcs of both entirely moot.

* Finally, the laughable notion that lobotomy=freedom, which still manages to be less dubious than the notion of lobotomy=losing one's virginity, in the female subconscious.

Now I'm left with grave misgivings about Snyder's Superman movie. Aside from the aggressively-soundtracked montage approach not really being appropriate for the Man of Steel (we've all seen Smallville), we seem guaranteed the most po-faced superhero movie since, well, Watchmen.

That probably went on for rather longer than you'd have expected for something so frivolous. Sorry about that. I can't think of any profound sounding bollocks about angels learning to fight monsters or whatever, so I'll just crank up the Björk and be on my way.

Real Me

When most people look in the mirror, what they see isn't very pleasing to them. A mirror shows you the reverse of your real face, so handsome people appear less so, features thought to be symmetrical are revealed to be slightly irregular, and so on.
For me it's different. The man I see in the mirror is overall quite satisfactory, with hair that goes in the right direction and a passably good looking face, albeit with a big nose. You can see the problem.

My birthday this year was better than any in recent memory for the simple reason that more people remembered. OK, I didn't get more cards or anything, but I had lots of birthday texts and messages, and it was lovely. But it also drove something home for me. Whoever I am as a person, most of me is virtual, and all things considered, that's the best place for me.

There's not a lot I admire about myself. It's no exaggeration to say I detest myself physically. I hate my horrible misshapen face, my awkward body that so perversely combines the least enviable attributes of my parents (my mother's skin tone, tendency towards weight gain and punishingly unmanagable hair; my father's nose, body hair, and total lack of physical co-ordination). Were I ever to come into serious money, a major priority would be cosmetic surgery, to have the deviated septum and fucked up teeth that have brought me no end of misery corrected- perhaps this would make a difference to my awful, droning voice, too.
Remember how a simple nose job completely transformed Jennifer Grey's face (and admittedly ruined her acting career, but that's hardly a worry for me)? Oh God, how I'd love that, to be unrecognisable. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to shed this hateful skin.

In that sad, creepy way common to men like me, I find myself staring at the beautiful people. Well, OK, the women. I try not to, I really do, but I forget myself. I live in awe of the graceful, the pretty, the ones who sparkle. I've never known the company of a girl like that and I never will. No girl I have ever liked on a personal level has ever returned my feelings. I'll never be touched by that girl, I won't make her smile on seeing me. Nobody smiles when they see me. I'm a weirdo with the face of a weirdo. People react to my presence with aprehension and actually, I don't blame them. I do the same to people like me.

If not my appearance then my manner keeps people away. I'm a hopeless conversationalist, my thoughts never successfully manifesting themselves as coherent sentences. Rather I mumble a lot, I'm always thrown and go instantly blank whenever anyone asks me anything, and my rare attempts at small talk somehow transcend the usual standards of inanity, usually resulting in excruciating silences and people who can't bring themselves to look me in the eye. I spend a lot of time brooding, and not self-consciously, but from anyone elses perspective, I'm just the oddball not saying anything, which probably nudges me into the realm of the slightly intimidating. People who do have conversations with me find me tedious, repetitive (my appalling memory doesn't help) and rather baffling.

If only there were compensations. Though I'm bright, I'm not brilliant and God knows I'm not educated. Nothing I have to say ever inspires anyone. I've no special talent to speak of and the list of things I haven't experienced or cannot do is endless.

None of this is relevant to virtual me. Most of my friends don't have a real sense of what I look like because there aren't many photos of me, and those that I let people see are the best of a bad bunch. It goes without saying I am not photogenic. Most haven't heard me speak, or at least not much. Some don't even know my real name.

Online I can be witty, because I can think about what I say before say it. In real life, I have to repeat most everything that comes out of my mouth for clarity's sake, which always ruins the moment when I try to be funny. Online I can be sincere, compassionate and even wise, because these are the better facets of myself distilled, removed of impurities, given shine by dint of a lack of context. People online tend to like me and enjoy my 'company'. The vast majority would never choose to spend time with me, or make the effort to know me. In the same way most of us immediately throw walls around ourselves when encountering the emotionally guilless, the vulnerable, the childlike, the lonely elderly who greet you like an old friend, most people won't let me get close because, damn me, I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve.

I try to mask it with fashionable cynicism and affectation, but the plain truth is, I have always desperately wanted people to like me, to want me, to embrace me to them. I can't help it. I've always felt so isolated and so... 'other'. That's the only way I can quantify it. I'm different from everyone I've ever known and you cannot imagine how much I don't want to be this way.

If, as I have long suspected, I suffer from BPD, then I am a textbook case. I live in extremes. When people upset me, the rage is overwhelming, when I am slighted, it cuts me to the bone. I am incapable of forgiveness. But I also love the people I call friends, hell, I love the people who are nice to me in work. I can't feel things in moderation, it doesn't just doesn't compute. That's why I really don't care if I've never met some of my friends in person, they're still as dear to me as if we'd grown up together or lived together for years. Nothing matters to me more than their safety, than keeping them from harm and helping and comforting them in any way I'm able.
There are times I wonder if I'm just incredibly selfish, that maybe I just need to be needed, to feel like I'm worth anything. After all, I did spend the better part of a year lavishing my time and money on a homeless girl. Oh, what a saint I felt. Oh, how noble and enlightened I was. I was actually shocked when it was spelled out to me I was being conned. It wouldn't have shocked you, or anyone with a lick of sense, and it sure didn't shock my mother, who at least did the decent thing by spelling it out to me gently. I'm still furious about it now and I'll probably still be in 20 years time.

I'm not sure if I have a point here or not. I will say though that the fear of our humanity diminishing via our reliance on computers feels more and more like just another science fiction dilemma based on a faulty premise, like the idea of atomic energy giving rise to giant monsters. What we failed to predict was how many dislocated souls in the world would, when give the choice of existence as an internet construct or running out the clock as a supporting character in their own life, take the virtual over the reality without a second thought.

I know my 'other' life- and if the internet has taught me nothing else, it's that everyone, and I mean everyone, has a secret life- is almost entirely artifice, just me staring unblinkingly at a bright screen and hammering away at a keyboard. The Other Me has no substance, and when the time comes, he will leave no imprint. That might bother someone else. But all I have to do is look in the mirror and... I'd rather be nothing.

Trek rebooted, BSG style

Since Battlestar Galactica was such a brilliant deconstruction and reinvention of the modern space opera, and a magnificent work of modern drama in its own right, it's clear a similar reimagining is the way to go for other iconic space series.

The sometimes-mooted 'reboot' of Star Trek- J.M Straczynski and Bryce Zabel approached Paramount with such a concept a few years back, which no doubt would have proved very gratifying for Straczynski, given how often he enjoyed denigrating the Trek franchise and offering his own work as vastly superior- is the obvious first step.

The 21st century audience has very different standards for what constitutes compelling, thought-provoking drama. They expect more; more action, more conflict, more realism. Here then is a truly 'futuristic' Star Trek!

The 23rd Century...

The United Federation of Planets - An interstellar evolution of Earth's United Nations, the UFP is a fragile alliance of over a hundred worlds brought together in the interests of mutual defence and exploration. Founded on the idealism and naiive dreams common to all intelligent races, the Federation is choked by bureacracy and constantly threated by in-fighting and tensions between the very different species who find themselves living side by side.

Starfleet - The military and explorative arm of the Federation, comprising countless light cruisers, frigates, battleships and the 'starship'-type vessels assigned to all high-profile missions. Starfleet is popular with the public but also controversial, often accused of heavy-handedness and of being far too inclined to respond with force to any alien lifeforms that don't fall into line with the Federation ethos.

USS Enterprise - The most advanced and powerful of the Constitution-class heavy cruisers, with a compliment of over 2,000 officers and crew.

The Crew:

Captain James Kirk - The Enterprise's brash, hard-living captain from a long line of career Starfleet officers. Kirk endured a painfully strict and desolate upbringing by his embittered father, who would never hesitate to use physical abuse to motivate the son he saw as feckless and undisciplined.
Having grown from a teenage hellraiser into a decorated, non-nonsense combat veteran and quickly risen through the ranks, Kirk is a fearless fighter and as callous towards the (very frequent) loss of junior crewman as to his countless female conquests.
Kirk abandoned his academy sweetheart, Carol, after convincing her to abort their unplanned child (or so he thought...). Now as famous for his womanizing and drinking as his military strategies, Kirk inspired the unofficial motto of the Starship program, oft-quoted by the Enterprise crew: "We come in peace- shoot to kill!" (Ideal casting: Eric Dane)

Cmdr. Jordan Spock - Aloof, ethereal science officer and Kirk's trusted second-in-command. Spock is the first child born of a Vulcan/ human pairing, barely surviving the first weeks of his life and now bound by a lifetime regimen of radical drug therapy to stabilise the two races' warring physiologies. Gifted with the telepathic abillities native to Vulcans, Spock's mixed heritage and sexual orientation make him a pariah on both of his home worlds. (Ideal casting: Cillian Murphy)

Dr. Joanna "Bones" McCoy M.D - Wry, cynical ship's surgeon hailing from the deep south. McCoy completes the triumvirate at the helm of Starfleet's flagship. Much given to cursing and provoking heated arguments with Spock, the twice divorced, chain smoking "Bones" is a woman haunted by past failiures and the spectre of the many patients she couldn't save during her wartime service on the front lines. (Ideal casting: Laura Linney)

Chief Engineer Roberta "Scotty" Burns - Excitable Scottish crackpot, Lt. Cmdr. Burns loves nothing more than to make dire pronouncements to her superior officers about the state of the ship's engines, only to perform a last minute 'miracle', such as effectively changing the laws of physics in order to save ship and crew. Unsettlingly inclined to drink on duty, a foible only just tolerated by Kirk, Scotty is also know for frequently waking up next to various Enterprise crewmembers, male or female, human or otherwise, with no recollection of the previous evening beyond gaudily-coloured alien liquor.

Comm. Officer Samara Ben-Uhura - Exotic, mixed-race lingust and head of ship's communications. Raised in Africa and a gifted singer, Uhura shares a deep bond with Spock, whom she sees as a kindred spirit, and a long-simmering flirtation with Captain Kirk. The very obvious physical tension between the two is an open secret aboard the Enterprise, and a constant threat to the careers of both officers.

Security Chief Roger Kyle - Blonde, palpably posh British tactical officer. Supercilious and deadpan, Kyle provides muscle to landing parties, along with a seemingly never-ending roster of faceless 'redshirt' officers, known for their very short life expectancies.

Navigator Dmitri Chekhov - The young, blue-eyed Russian Ensign struggles to impress the other brigde officers, all except for Spock with whom he enjoys a secret, torrid love affair during off-duty hours.

Flight Controller Darcus Leon Sulu - Enterprise's helmsman and best shuttlefighter pilot, the towering Nubian Lieutenant speaks with a surprisingly melodious voice and has a passion for gun fighting and antique marine craft.


Klingons - Barbarous and primitive enemy race who pose an ever-present threat to the security of the UFP and her allies. Thought still essentially a tribal people, the Klingon Empire has aquired advanced technologies, including warp drive and sophisticated weapons, via trade and conquest.
Klingons are a brutish warrior people whose culture is founded on hostility, religious intolerance, the subjugation of women and a fanatical belief in their divine obligation to exterminate all those who refuse to live by the dictates of 'The Law of Kahless'.
Disaffected Federation citizens are sometimes known to be radicalised by Klingon dogma and suicide attacks on Federation outposts are increasingly common.

Romulans - Longime idealogical opponents of the UFP, the ruthlessly efficient and secretive Romulans were once uneasy allies with the Federation against the Klingons, during the first Earth/ Kronos War. Now they wage a cold war against both powers, quietly working to develop terrifying new advances in the technology of warfare, among them the notorious cloaking device, said to allow any ship to become totally invisible to scanners and the the naked eye alike. Romulan agents are sometimes said to have infiltrated every level of the Federation's infrastructure.

The Five Year Mission - Primarily, the Enterprise voyages beyond the frontiers of known space on a humanitarian mission of peaceful exploration... But their other mission objective, known only to the senior officers, involves the the search for fragments of code implanted into the genetic structure of lifeforms all across the galaxy. Once unlocked, this code may yield secrets of the nature of life itself, or power beyond all imagination.

With each new adventure, the crew discovers new truths, finds their values and perceptions challenged, and fights for their lives against unholy terrors... Going boldy where no person has gone before!


Afterword: Any sense of flippancy or satire is entirely in the imagination of the reader. It was certainly not my intention to suggest that the BSG school of 'reimagining', by giving familiar names to essentially new characters, actually diminishes the icons from which it draws inspiration (google 'Brand Recognition' for more). Or indeed that modern writers and audience alike favour sensationalism, contrived story arcs and cheap shock value over optimism and aspirational nobility, under the smug delusion that this is somehow more 'mature' and 'sophisticated'. Lord, no. Heaven forfend.

Incidentally, you can read the Straczynski/ Zabel treatment for "rebooting the universe" at http://bztv.typepad.com/newsviews/2006/06/spaced_out_star.html if you really must.

The Rules

1. People Suck.

2. Never apologise.

3. Never volunteer.

4. Never work any harder than you have to.

5. Never trust a smile.

6. There is NO rule 6.

7. When in doubt, lie.

8. Fantasy is always better than reality.

9. Rules are there to be kicked at.
You just need to know when.