Argiope's web

"The heart wants what the heart wants".

It's the kind of truism you hear proffered by TV writers and self-help gurus telling their audiences how to feel. It's easy to dismiss as pure Hallmark, a warm and fuzzy, but vaccuous, rhetoric. But then, so much of what we say is undervalued, so much of what's true is diminished by the insincerity we've come to expect from each other.

Unlike my usual posts, this blog is not about comics or genre TV, but it still relates to themes of SF and geekhood.

Why do so many people still invest themselves so completely in, for example, Star Trek? Why is it the 'nerd' cliche still seems to hold true, at a time when science fiction and alternative pop culture are more accepted and mainstream than ever before? It's said that SF fanatics like myself are simply immature, that we have little grasp of reality and cling to comforting childhood fantasies because we cannot cope in the adult world. This is demonstrably bollocks by and large, but does contain a tiny grain of truth.

With higher intelligence comes higher sensitivity, and the freaks and geeks of the world are all too aware of 'reality'. I've spoken before about how puberty involves becoming suddenly, shockingly aware of the world around you, a world that seemed a lot smaller and simpler in childhood. We are more sensitive and more vulnerable to the world's cruelties at that stage of our lives than any other, and for those of us who are in any way 'different', it's a world that tells us very aggressively, in many loud voices, that those differences will not be embraced.

Everybody talks about 'tolerance', but think about what that actually means. It means convincing people to not actively persecute you, to suffer your existence. This is the highest goal the LGBT community and dozens of other minority groups dare reach for. Art and commentary are censored to avoid 'offending' certain such groups, or at least the ones most likely to file lawsuits or threaten bomb attacks, and yet elected officials still talk openly in fascist terms, asserting Victorian values, working to quash or overturn every shard of progressive legislation, from gay marriage rights to anti-bullying laws. Is it any wonder people like me chose to escape not into sports or other rigidly elitist persuits, but a fictional universe where acceptance and celebration of the other is the bedrock of all society?

Often to dare to be different is to risk everything, to sacrifice much. Even now, in the 21st century, with all our advances and freedoms, people can still lose their lives simply for marching to a different beat.
Sophie Lancaster, just 20 years old, was verbally abused, chased down and kicked to death by a gang of thugs. Friends and family remember her as kind, sensitive, artistic. None of that mattered to her killers. She and her boyfriend were goths, that was reason enough.
She suffered fatal head injuries while shielding him from the attack. He survived.

In the US this past year, five teenagers were driven to take their own lives by vicious, relentless bullying from classmates. Those five kids, five of many, were gay. What the hell do kids know about acceptance? As much as they are taught. Ancient, often subtle prejudices are passed from one generation to the next. Second-hand intolerance begets second-hand atrocity. A member of the Arkansas school board said he would only wear purple, as millions of people did last month to the remember the dreadful loss and promote understanding, when "they all commit suicide".
This man, Clint McCance, said on Facebook, "being a fag doesn't give you the right to ruin the rest of our lives. If you get easily offended by being called a fag then dont tell anyone you are a fag. Keep that shit to yourself. I dont care how people decide to live their lives. They dont bother me if they keep it to thereselves. It pisses me off though that we make a special purple fag day for them. I like that fags cant procreate. I also enjoy the fact that they often give each other aids and die. If you arent against it, you might as well be for it."

What's doubly appalling is that McCance echoes the sentiments of many. "I don't advocate bullying", they'll say, "but don't remind me that these people exist".

Also from McCance: "I would disown my kids they were gay. They will not be welcome at my home or in my vicinity. I will absolutely run them off. Of course my kids will know better. My kids will have solid christian beliefs. See it infects everyone."

Yes. It certainly does.

This is simply one extreme biggot who will, God willing, shortly be out of a job, but you can find this lethal combination of ignorance and distorted religious orthodoxy (the same crime for which we're all meant to hate fundamentalist muslims)
throughout the western world. Throw in some nationalistic dogma and you realise Islam may have its hate preachers, but we have plenty of our own.

Let me back up a tad. If a 13-year old told me they were gay I most likely wouldn't take that at face value, any more than I'd take a kid that age seriously if they told me they were in love. You don't know enough at that age to make life-shaping decisions, as experience has taught me only too well. Endlessly pressuring kids with talk of exams and career prospects is bourne out of the same madness that has seen ultra-liberal parents, falling over themselves to show the world how progressive they are, giving their pre-adolescent sons female hormone injections when they say they'd rather play with dolls. I had some confusing feelings towards other males when I was a teen, but I don't look back on them as the first stirrings of my bisexuality. It was just hormones. God, our neural pathways aren't even fully formed before we reach our early 20's.

That said, given that Britain and the US are nations that supposedly cherish the ideals of freedom, self-determination, individuality and expression above all others, the concept of letting people be whoever they choose to be still doesn't seem to have sunk in, even after centuries. Tolerance, says the unwritten rule of modern democracy, only goes so far.
People, more often than not Christian, asert that they are tolerant, enlightened and loving and do not at all condone prejudice and hatred, whilst making it crystal clear to their children that gay and transgendered people are not to be treated as equals, but regarded as outsiders, transgressors, deviants. "Love the sinner, hate the sin", goes the poisonous through line. LGBT's can't help it, they're confused, they're ill, they need to be cured. Healthcare professionals insist that a man who knows he should have born a woman must be mentally unbalanced, and it takes an awful lot to convince them otherwise, a medical equivilent of 'guilty until proven innocent'.

It's here that we come to my main point, my friend, Jadis Illiana Argiope.
She wasn't born with that name, nor was she born physiologically female, but she is who she is and I have never in my life known anyone more certain of that, or more determined to build the life for themselves that they know to be right and true to their heart.

I first encountered Jadis via her vlog on YouTube, where she posted regularly. I honestly didn't take her to be transgendered, rather a young woman with a sensuous, if androgynous-sounding voice. I watched her videos, in which she spoke widely on religion, politics, the military (I would discover she'd served in the US Air Force) and, of course, issues of gender and sexuality. She was very open to questions and contact with new people and I befriended her on MySpace, where I read her blog posts. She also prompted me to join Twitter, to which I am now sadly hooked.
At all times she was forthright, erudite and and insightful. Fascinated in the way we often find ourselves with people whom we are nothing alike, I made a point of getting to know her and, in time, I came to be in a position where I could support her in some small ways.

I have never met this person face to face, but in the past year we've spoken on the phone and we talk online most every day. I consider her among my dearest friends and it is a privilege to know her. One of the most startling stories from her quite remarkable life is her self-castration. With SRS (sex reassignment surgery) prohibitively expensive and difficult to arrange, she took it upon herself to study anatomy and procure supplies to perform a surgical removal of her right testical, a procedure that took around 6 hours. Naturally, this was extremely painful and resulted in her tools being confiscated and spending time under psychiatric observation, but she acheived what she set out to do. For her, it's always half about the cause, about sending a message and making an impression.

Jadis is more than a commentator, she's an ambassador of the transgender community, determined to make a stand against a system that would drive someone like her to take such desperate steps. I should state categorically that I am not an advocate of anyone operating on themselves at any time, for any reason. I've tried to support my friend in everything, even her recent foray into the LA adult industry, however much I disagreed with the decision, if only because it seemed to make her happier and give her self-esteem something of a boost after a rough period with her former partner. She's had little if any acceptance or understanding from her immediate family. Her strength never fails to inspire me.

For almost as long as I can remember, I've been unhappy. Unhappy with my life, unhappy with who I am. I have never once felt I belonged or that I was understood or accepted for who I am. I've been very lucky to have had a loving family and unbringing, but I can never quite shake the feeling that I'm somehow wired wrong, that was I perhaps born in the wrong era. I've struggled for so many years to figure myself out and I am still largely clueless. I know for certain that there is no surgery I could undergo or community I could join that would make me feel better about myself, but in Jadis I found someone who had that same goal squarely in sight. I knew I wanted to help her get there anyway I could. In that sense, I feel we are kindred.

Since leaving LA, she's been living in Arizona, and now shares an appartment with her lovely girlfriend, Fluer. They make each other happy, which is wonderful. Unfortunately, Jadis has found her testosterone levels still unacceptably high, the result, it seems, of her remaining teste overcompensating. To her this feels like a very distressing retrograde step, and in her desperation she decided to once again perform the removal herself, in what she called, with her characteristic sense of humour, "Operation: Tranny Freedom".

Yesterday, from around 10 AM (Arizona time), she began the surgery, and from mid evening, in what must be a worldwide first, broadcast her efforts live via webcam. This attempt did not go as smoothly as before, and after many agonizing hours, during which I and several others watched helplessly, she found herself unable to finally sever the exposed testical alone.

Today, having had her insides on the outside for almost 24 hours at the risk of serious infection, she finally agreed to go to hospital, where she hopes fervently that the doctors will not be able to salvage the testical and will finish the job for her. She will undoubtedly receive mental health counselling.

After much soul searching, I can't bring myself to fully condemn her actions any more than I could be in favour of them. I understand desperation, bloody-mindedness and the feeling that you and you only can make things happen. Her extremely dangerous attempt has already made waves online. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if she made the news at some point. This, of course, is exactly what she wanted, to make her stand against a culture of oppression and condemnation, where the surgery so essential to the peace of mind of transgendered people is made almost impossible, by the very same mentality that would see abortion clinics outlawed, driving them underground, and from the same sort of leaders that would rather young people have no sex education at all than have them handed condoms in the classroom. That would only encourage them to go out and use the things, right?

Jadis isn't out of the woods yet. I'm not a man of faith, but I do pray for her in my own way. She's very brave. She may well be mad, but then sometimes you have to be.

You can follow her on Twitter @TSVandenberg and @ladyargiope, and learn more about her story at youtube.com/user/wolfyPX and youtube.com/user/ladyargiopesvanity.

UPDATE (16/11/10): I'm enormously relieved to report that Jadis is home from hospital. Sanity did indeed prevail, and the offending article has been fully removed. She's understandably elated and was spared psychiatric detention. All she has to do now is heal up and concentrate on being herself and living the life she deserves.